Category: Society & Culture

UI Theory

No, not User Interface. Nor Ugly Imperialist. (for the purposes of this post, anyway.)
PERSONAL OBSERVATIONS:
Simply put, “ui!” is the sound of a Thai person in distress. Variations on this include, “uuui!,” “uuii!,” and “uuuuuuui!” (can you see my linguistics major paying off now?)
If I unprovokedly poke my wife in the side, she might exclaim, “uui!” (she might just as soon sock me in the stomach and then demand to know what the hell I’m doing, but I did say “might,” right?) [English equivalent in this example: “Hey!”]
If a Thai dude catches a whiff of (presumedly spicy) gas passed by his friend, he might say “ui!” and pinch his nose in the universal sign for “that’s stanky!” [English equivalent: “Jesus!”]
If a Thai hears something remarkable in a conversation, they might reply with a long “uuuuuii.” [“Ooooh,” or, “uh huh” – just a simple affirmation or acknowledgment of what previus speaker stated, mixed with real or exaggerated amazement or wonder]
The mighty ui is also used for oh shit moments. For instance, if The Sorcerer’s Apprentice had ever been subtitled in Thai, it would have looked something like this:
fantasiaui.jpg
BACKGROUND
A couple weeks ago, T and I were sitting in a taxi, stuck in that good old Bangkok traffic (for perhaps the 47th time in one week). Conversation turned to the subject of bar fights in Thailand. T has seen many since he is a professional lounge lizard; I have seen only a few, all in Patong Beach. One curious observation we both had is that when a farang (gaijin) gets into an actual fight with a Thai, the place usually explodes with hordes of angry Thais swinging barstools, glass ashtrays, and beer bottles at the foreigner’s head. It’s really quite a trip to watch. They will fuck you up in defense of their Thai brethren, no bullshit on that count, man. Which bring us to the point of this post…
If a foreigner of Asian descent is fighting with, say, a white guy in a Soi Cowboy bar fight, would he be helped out by the Thais? Would Powder be stomped into oblivion by angry bar girls in gogo boots?
THE UI THEORY
In such a situation, if the said Asian starts making loud “uuuuii!” noises when he gets hit, the fury of a thousand Suryothai cannon-bearing elephants will strike down upon the white man. There are at least three possible reasons for this:
1. The Asian man may have been mistaken for a Thai, hence kicking in the Thai Brethren Response
2. Even if he isn’t mistaken as Thai, he may receive enough Asian Sympathy Points to trigger a response
3. Regardless of looks, he may trigger an involuntary response with his tactical use of ui
Regarding that last point, we may need to run some field tests between two white guys to see if what we have coined the Thai Brethren Response is actually just a Pavlovian response to the utterance of ui (and hence must be renamed to the Ui Response).

Hardly News

So after 9/11, I signed up for e-mail updates from CNN for breaking news items – you know, back then it was impossible to get to major news sites and even the big newsbloggers were getting bogged down with traffic. I figured it was a good way to be kept kinda in the loop for major events, etc… It worked out kind of in that way, in that sometimes the e-mails would cover stories that we just don’t get coverage of in Japan, even on CNN International.
The thing is, though, it sometimes makes me sad. Like today, the CNN Breaking News alert I received contained the following info only:

The Pittsburgh Steelers win Super Bowl XL, beating the Seattle Seahawks 21-10 Sunday night.

I may just be completely out of the loop, but hearing that just makes me want to say whoop-dee-fucking-do. Mind you, these News Alerts are not daily or anything, they only send them when “important” shit happens. So I guess Superbowl results now rate right up there with devastation of entire cities and American soldiers fighting and dying in foreign lands (actually, they stopped sending updates about the war over a year ago).
I guess what I’m trying to say is: Priorities, bitches. In the grander scheme of things, individual sports competition results rank very low. Plus, anyone who didn’t already know the score by the time you sent the News Alert probably doesn’t give half a shit.
It is Monday, and I have had my rant.
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It occurs to me that I could be told to simply opt out of the mailings. Believe me, I have tried…

Cheap Cheap

One of the great joys while shopping in Thailand is the bargaining – there is a definite art to it. One must find the equilibrium between getting the best deal on an item and becoming frustrated and looking like an asshole.
In this context, an asshole is either a jerk using noobie bargaining tactics, or more commonly, someone who is expending copious amounts of time and effort for a negligible monetary return, i.e., battling it out with an old lady over a dollar difference on a twenty dollar purchase. Is a dollar difference worth sealing a deal but leaving one party with a sour taste in their mouth? Some people would answer with an unequivocal, “yes!” You are the people I do not want to go shopping with, because in the larger scope of things, that dollar means shit to you or me. Sure, it can buy you a whole meal or two there. I say, so fucking what. Who needs the meal more? Sure, sealing a sweet deal feels great – everybody likes to be a winner – but if you feel like an asshole for squeezing a street vendor for a few pennies, you most probably are.
The flip side of being an asshole is being a sucker. If you don’t bargain at all, you are a sucker, and you are seriously missing out on some fun. Looking back, I now recognize that I used to take bargaining too seriously until I learned to enjoy it. Thai people are for the most part really fucking laid back and cool. Deal with vendors who return your smile, and everything will work out fine – don’t forget a lot of vendors are assholes, too, and want nothing but (A) your money and (B) for you to get your unintelligible ass out of their sight, ASAP.
Like I said – it’s all about finding that equilibrium.
This is not a sophisticated game like buying high-quality knockoffs in Korea; no layer cakes here. This is a simple exercise in basic bargaining:
“How much for this?”
“Can you give me a good price?”
“How about ____?”
” No? What if I buy two/a dozen/____?”
“Is that the best you can do?”
“C’mon, meet me halfway!”
“Thank you!”
And that is the template for a basic bargaining approach. You will learn many others in your travels, grasshopper. But you will always return to the basics.

Hormonal Question

QUESTION: At a friendly get together, what is more annoying than having a guy who acts like he can kick everybody’s ass in the room, as well a girl acting like the head cheerleader at high school?
ANSWER: Having the same as above arrive as a couple and then getting sucked into their wine snob conversation.
SUPPLEMENT #1: And then finding out they get off on kissing in front of other people.
SUPPLEMENT #2: And wondering how they can act like this well into their fifties. Wrinkles and liver spots, baby.

Video chat

Some people have recently asked why I don’t use a webcam and enable video messenging. Some possible replies:
– Do you really want to see me picking my nose and flipping off the screen that badly?
– I’m not that vain
– I’m a leper
– It feels too much like work (we have videoconferences all the time)
– It would impede my “walk around the house naked” lifestyle
– It makes me feel powerful to be able to watch you when you can’t watch me
– What is this, 1998?