Top Historical Uses of the ‘F’ Word

1. “Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!” – Noah, 4314 BC
2. “How the f*** did you work that out?” – Pythagoras, 126 BC
3. “You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?” – Michelangelo, 1566
4. “Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?” – Custer, 1877
5. “What the f*** do you mean, ‘we’re sinking?'” – Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
6. “It does SO f***ing look like her!” – Picasso, 1926
7. “Where the f*** are we?” – Amelia Earhart, 1937
8. “Any f***ing idiot could understand that.” – Einstein, 1938
9. “What the f*** was that?” – Mayor Of Hiroshima – 1945
10. “I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!” – JFK, 1963
11. “Aw c’mon. Who the f*** is going to find out?” – Bill Clinton, 1997
12.”Damn, I didn?t think they?d get this f***ing mad.” – Saddam Hussein, 2003

Japanese Toilet Paper

I am not the only person who has scraped his asshole raw with the sandpaper commonly dispensed in public toilets in Japan. This is fact. However, I may be the only one blogging about it today, which makes me special. The entire point of this post is to point out that the Japanese should emulate the Brits with regard to this matter.
Also, is “hemorrhoids/haemorrhoids” like “color/colour?”
That is all.

I fought the law…

During lunch break I went to one of the ATMs next to our company cafeteria and tried to withdraw 25,000 yen. The transaction went smoothly until the very last step – my bank card and the receipt came out of the machine, but when the cash drawer opened, the machine suddenly seized up with squeaking cacophony of bill-shredding grinds and the drawer slammed shut, leaving me empty-handed. The revolving status indicator spun sickeningly for a brief instant and finally landed on OUT OF ORDER. I glanced at my relection on the two-way glass panel from which I was doubtlessly being recorded and saw my jaw drop in a classic “WTF?” reaction.
I consciously shook off my surprise and picked up the service phone adjacent to the ATM. Twenty rings later, a sweet voice answered. The following conversation ensued:
“Hello, this is Roukin ATM Service Center”
“Hi, your ATM just died before spitting out my 25,000 yen and I’m on my lunchbreak…”
“Name, please”
(pause) “Justin Yoshida”
“OK, Yoshida-sama, please give me a number where we can contact you.”
“Say what?”
“Your phone number”
“Why the hell do you need my phone number? Just send someone out to give me my money.”
“That’s not the way it works – just go about your business and someone will be sent out to fix the machine later, after which somebody from the sales department will call about returning your cash. They will be calling you as soon as possible.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? I’m holding a receipt that says you paid me 25,000 yen which I NEVER RECEIVED and as far as I know is just stuck in the cash drawer and you think I’m gonna fucking WALK AWAY FROM THE MACHINE BECAUSE SOMEONE ON THE PHONE SAID IT WAS OK? You could be in Lagos for all I know! NOW SEND SOMEONE TO FIX THE FUCKING MACHINE AND GIVE ME MY MONEY!”
“Sir, all of repairmen are out at lunch righ-”
“DAMMIT! I’m on MY fucking lunchbreak, too! And I know this may be hard to comprehend, but you might consider the reason I needed some of that money was to buy LUNCH!”
“I’m terribly sorry sir, but standard procedure requires me to inform you that repair personnel will be sent as soon as possible and that a representative from sales will be in touch with you as soon as possible.”
“Now that you’ve mentioned it twice, just exactly when is ‘as soon as possible?'”
“Hmmm… Well, it will probably be sometime tomorrow.”
“MOTHERFUCKER SAY WHAT?”
“What, sir?”
“Now I’m fucking pissed – I want a repairman here right fucking NOW.”
“Sir, as I’ve stated before, standard procedure calls fo-”
“That’s it, I’m hanging up to go get a hammer.”
Instead, I hung around out of sight of the cameras (in retrospect, why?). The repairman showed up in five minutes. I felt sorry for the guy because he had a grain of rice hanging off his chin and really must have been called off lunch so I didn’t give him any shit. Plus, he was obviously a third party serviceman and not directly related to the stupid bank. He cleared the machine and called to confirm if he could hand me over the 25,000… At which point, the Bank from Hell decided to give me more shit and insist, again, even though the money was in my sight, that a sales rep would call me and they would handle it that way. I halfheartedly argued with the twats for a few minutes, but I really wasn’t getting anywhere… So I pulled the trump card.
I got a bank manager on the phone and started accusing them of racial discrimination, on the basis that their decision to wait a day before rectifying the situation was made only after they had asked my name and confirmed SOP for dealing with gaijin and couldn’t he make it easy on EVERYONE INVOLVED by doing the eight thing and authorizing the repairdude to hand me over the cash (that by the way I paid a nominal service charge to withdraw)?
Apparently not.
The manager said I’m going to have to go to the bank to get my cash, but not until after they find out what went wrong with the machine in the first place (like that’s my fucking problem).
Cunts.
So now I’m waiting for the call from the sales rep, who the manager has promised will call before the end of the day. They better not assign a newbie, because I swear on all that’s holy, I am going to make that motherfucker cry over the phone. Then if they really do force me to pick up the money at the bank, I’m going to…
– To Be Continued… –

A twist on the old bean hurling

Yesterday was setsubun, the traditional Japanese new year, and we celebrated accordingly. I got home from a long day at work, the GF touched my arm and said “you’re it!,” then we played “oni ha soto” tag for a couple minutes.
Then, I fell asleep on the sofa. (happy. new year.)
P.S. Shouldn’t we get the day off or something? Doesn’t tradition mean anything to these heathens?

A Brief History of Japanese Fish Sausage

*Not to be confused with Japanese Fish Cake (“kamaboko“)
Early attempts at manufacturing sausages from fish meat (employing cellophane or sheep innards as the outer wrapper/skin) have been traced back to the Taisho period (1912 – 1926). It is not clear why these early experiments failed but one might suspect the very concept of a “fish sausage” sounded pretty weird, even to the inventor’s own family. After all, fish was delicious even without encasing it in animal entrails and could be preserved, to an extent, with traditional methods such as salting and drying. In addition, the formula for creating fish sausages were not perfected before the idea was shelved.
In the years following the war, huge demand was seen for canned and preserved foodstuffs that could be easily manufactured, stored, and distributed, and a new development effort was started in the industry to revive the fish sausage project. By borrowing a technology used in the aforementioned kamaboko industry at the time – using rubber hydrochloride (!) to make transparent skins for the sausage – and fine-tuning the recipe, a feasible product was achieved and mass production of fish sausages began in 1951. The following year it was brought to market, and the rest, as they say, is history. The product was a huge hit and demand increased every year to the point where entire generations of Japanese were brought up eating fish sausages in their school lunch, at home, and everywhere in between.
The industry is definitely not at its peak these days, but there are still many companies producing varied and successful fish sausage products. Here is one site with good photos linked to an online store that will deliver to your door (in Japan). There was even a Japan Fish Sausage Association until a few years ago. It disbanded and joined up with the Japan Canners Association where they became – you guessed it – the Japan Fish Sausage Committee. The legacy lives on.
……
All the information used in this post was gleaned from various Japanese web sites. I can’t possibly be the ONLY PERSON in the ENTIRE ENGLISH-SPEAKING WORLD interested in the WONDERFUL HISTORY OF FISH SAUSAGE, right?… Actually, judging by the absence of research materials available on it, maybe I am. Which is strange, because I don’t like eating the stuff – it just seems wrong to stress my mouth, which is used to pork, beef, and other normal ingredients for sausage (I may have gotten used to corn on pizza, but fishy-tasting sausage? NEVER!)
Other fun stuff unearthed in my search for the elusive fish sausage:
– This is processed fish products nirvana: GYONIKUKAN (JP-only, go look anyway)
– In regard to sausage filling, some sausage academics use the term “farinaceous filler” instead of, simply, “starch”
– According to one account, the fish used in the first mass-produced fish sausages was Alaska Haddock. Over the years the industry preference changed to tuna (shockingly, these were called Tuna Sausages), then to whale (now I see why the fish sausage trend never caught on in the west), then to, well – everything with scales.
– Somehow, it’s easier for me to accept that the waste parts of fish (as Mandy said here, “lips and peckers,” are most probably used to make these sausages. Easier than thinking about “hooves and assholes” in an “all-beef” hot dog, that is. If you know what I mean.
– The Japan Canners Association has an inspirational theme song on its site. Scroll down to the bottom of the page for the music files.
– The now-defunct Japan Fish Sausage Association was once located at:
Japan Fish Sausage Assn
Nihon Gyoniku Soseji Kyokai
Kusumoto 6 Bldg
1-3-9 Higashi Shimbashi
Minatoku Tokyo 105-0021
Tel 03 35735586 Fax 03 35735587

Random Osaka Car Photos

doubleihan.jpg
A double winner!
Check out the plate holder – made of a special reflective material that prevents highway cameras from getting a shot of the number plate – that is, uh, assuming there is one.
graff-car.jpg
It’s art, dude!
In front of the fourtwenty head shop in Amemura. Note the classic Osaka parking job – sometimes you need a can opener to get out.