Dead and Bloated

Incidentally, Cosmic Buddha’s GF recently shared a scary story about a women’s restroom at the rear of a temple she visited in Thai a couple years ago. Apparently there was a dead rat floating in the barrel used for holding water used for “flushing”. She fled in abject horror but didn’t have the heart to tell the nice monk who was showing their group around the temple.
Disclaimer: This temple obviously did not fall under the authority of Cosmic Buddha. We have flushing toilets at all of our temples, for both sexes.

Work Request: Bran Muffins

Sometimes working in a factory office with constipated old men really has its downs. I have been waiting to take a crap for a couple of hours now. Its not that there are no stalls free – in fact, I could have been done with my business two hours ago if that were the only concern. The big problem is the stench. The stench that even I, the veteran of a thousand outhouses ripened by the summer sun and open pits at outdoor concerts, the back of temples, etc., cannot bear for more than two seconds. I wish there were a menu especially geared for those over 45 years of age (a full third who work here at my company fall into this bracket) at the cafeteria here, taking the odiferousness of feces during work hours into consideration. Because every time I work up the nerve to head to the bathroom (3 times in the past 90 minutes), I get a whiff of semi-digested ebi-fry (deep-fried prawns) from waaaay down the hall and immediately turn back to the sanctuary of stale cigarette smoke and pasty salarysweat in my office.
To my fellow workers, some of who I know are surreptitiously viewing this blog under orders from corporate HQ: Laying atom bombs in the john are uncalled for in this day and age. I surrender unconditionally in advance; just let me do my business. Soon.

UNIX-brained Poet

Looking over this site’s stats, the most common queries are:
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Now that is pure poetry. It starts out like the first song of the first (and best) STP album and ends with “do me cheap.” Ah, yeah.

My Brother, Adam Yoshida…

Will be amused to find that his name is the domain of a guy who “surpasses Rush Limbaugh for zealousness and Ann Coulter for madness.”
www.adamyoshida.com
LOL. Even their middle initials are the same (Adam Teiichi Yoshida / Adam Takao Yoshida).
I have a serious beef with the Yoshida Sauce dude, too. What a sellout with that chop suey font and “you sooo fonny meesta!” photo. Bite MY cracked peppercorn teriyaki, foo. Although I do want a pair of Justin boots and a select few of the bags offered by Yoshida Kaban (although their website sucks fanny pack; try here to see an otaku fan site of their products).

Traditions & Boners Galore

Did you know that “raccoon” can also be spelled “racoon,” and did you know that raccoons get serious wood sometimes? I had no idea either, before our little day trip to Nazo no Paradise (Paradise of Mysteries) on my little island, Awajishima. The place is located about 40 minutes away from my pad in Sumoto and is touted as a backwoods kind of amusement/attraction. Everyone I asked about it would not specify exactly what the attraction was, so we really had no idea what to expect…
valleyofhentai.jpg
Walking down this scenic little valley, you would never expect to find yourself in a room full of shrines dedicated to (mostly) raccoon boners, would you?
Click the link below for more pictures. (Note: You’ll poke your eye out! Not work safe.)

Continue reading “Traditions & Boners Galore”

Weekend Doings

Bad News first:
Forgot to call home for my mom’s birthday. The doghouse in which I currently reside is quite dark, to better accomodate hiding.
Much Better News:
1.
Weather was absolutely brilliant. Drove to Nara in approximately 12 parsecs. Sylvia was at the top of her game and we ate a Skyline GT-R for lunch. Shame, shame.
This guy had serious “GT-R: King of Road” machismatic issues or something, because he suddenly floored it when I moved to pass. It had not been my intention to challenge him at all, I just wanted to get off the island quickly in order to reach Kobe before traffic started, but this bitch move got under my skin real quick… Really not much I could do about that as he was simply driving the faster car, but I cursed him – and it worked: GT-R boy found out just how front-heavy those type-32 Skylines really are when he stepped on the gas and pushed hard through a long downhill curve… When he hit a bump coming out of it, the car’s rear jounced down hard, and let me tell you son, those tires were smokin’. He started to fishtail so I dropped back and watched as he almost oversteered (jerk the wheel Left, then Right, then Left, then…) into the guardrail at warp speed. What a show!
We passed him as he was shitting brick, mortar, and trowel in the slow lane. Homeboy had a white-knuckled kung-fu DEATH GRIP on the steering wheel and was watching the road VERY INTENTLY so perhaps did not see me waving to him.
Then my radar detector saved us from doom further down the road. This was the third time in as many weeks. (Props to god for mostly limiting the Dark Ones around me to detectable speed guns and fixed cameras that are often out of film.) I would just like to make a quick note here that as far as type-32 Skylines go, I find that skilled drifters tend to choose the GTS-T version over the vaunted GT-R, probably because it leaves more to the driver. My cousin who recently stopped racing (and now drives a big-ass Hi-Ace van – LOL!) confirmed this; he also drove a GTS-T.
2.
I called together some cousins (literal) and friends for a night out. It was fun. Good conversation. Good tunes. Good people. Partway through the night I went seriously Otaku with my keitai camera and went so far as to make drunk people pose for multiple takes. Then I got into the “mini Photoshop” app on my phone and created some seriously scary photos with various effects/filters. At the time of this post, some can be seen on the right column of this page (they will automatically be replaced as I post new pics) . You can see them all, anytime, on my moblog.
3.
Nam and I drove home yesterday evening, directly into a red sun framed by blue sky and the last remaining wisps of silver clouds. When the sky reddened and turned the horizon into a pinkish band of fire, for some strange reason it reminded me of Tatooine. Except that the Jawas were driving Corollas instead of Sand Crawlers, and my destination (the port at Sumoto) does not accomodate space vessels (yet). Go figure.
It seemed a bit too cool to keep the windows open all the way, but the sun’s rays made it too warm to close them. I compromised by closing Nam’s and leaving mine open, which usually suits us both just fine (How can girls sacrifice the sensation of wind blowing through their hair just for the sake of appearance? Use a good gel or something for chrissakes!). This was a nearly ideal drive home to the island:
Left ear: Soundgarden, loud.
Right ear: Soundgarden, in a storm.
Purring engine, green hills streaking by, fiery sun reluctantly passing reign to sister moon… Damn that was a sweet drive!
I took some pictures with my phone while driving (how many laws is that breaking?) and a few turned out OK, I’ll post them after renaming them later.

my reply

Ahmed,
As we say here in the land of Nyorai, the price of urgent financial dealings is 50% and non-negotiable.
Time, Love, and Tenderness,
C. Buddha
P.S. Please call me CB. Justin Yoshida is the name I use for this mortal shell.

urgent

FROM:MR AHMED SALEH
THE MANAGER,
UNITED BANK FOR AFRICA,
ALABA INT’L BRANCH,
3 AGUDOSI ST
LAGOS-NIGERIA.
Sir,
I am pleased to get across to you for a very urgent and profitable business proposal, though I don’t know you neither have I seen you before but my confidence was reposed on you when the Chief Executive of Lagos State chamber of Commerce and Industry handed me your contact for a confidential business.
I am the manager of United Bank for Africa Plc (UBA), Alaba Int’l branch,Lagos Nigeria. The intended business is thus; we had a customer, a Foreigner resident in Nigeria, he was a Contractor with one of the Government Parastatals. He has in his Account in my branch the sum of US$12.5 Million (Twelve million,five hundred thousand U.S Dollars).Unfortunately, the man died four years ago until today non-of his next of kin has come forward to claim the money.
Having noticed this, I in collaboration with one other top Official of the bank covered up the account all this while. Now we want you (being a foreigner) to be fronted as one of his next of kin of the deceased and forward all the necessary information to be advised to you by us to attest to the Claim.
We will use our positions to get all internal documentation to back up the claims. The whole procedures will last only ten working days to get the fund retrieved successfully without trace even in future. Your response is only what we are waiting for as we have put all machineries that will be instrumental to the success of the transaction in motion.
As soon as this message comes to you kindly get back to me indicating your interest, with your telephone and fax number then I will furnish you with the whole procedures to ensure that the deal is successfully Concluded. For your assistance, we have agreed in principle to offer you 30% of the total sum at the end of the transaction.
It is risk free and a big mega fortune. All correspondences towards this transaction will be through telephone and e-mail. I await your earliest response.
Thanks,
Yours Sincerely,
MR. AHMED SALEH
Email: ah_saleh84@yahoo.com

Re: urgent
Mr. Ahmed Saleh,
I am very interested in your proposal, but considering the risks I must insist on 50% of the total big mega fortune. If you can agree to this counter-proposal, please respond to this message with your phone and fax number.
Is this offer for real? I could really use the cash since I spend most of my days converting ignorance and bewilderment into the wisdom of primordial awareness/universal lawfulness…
Best Regards,
C. Buddha
UPDATE: Damn, they already got him.