Category: Work

Background: Coworker A just came back from an overseas posting last month and is showing the same kind of displeasure about our fabulicious uniforms that we all did last year.
I have only a week left; my office farewell party is tonight!

I’ve been compiling a task list at work to hand off my replacement, if they can ever find one (I may be *ahem* hard to replace). The thing is, I’ve always done a lot more at any job than what I was originally hired for, and it’s hard to quantify exactly what I do. Regarding my current job, this is also compounded by the fact that I work on a sensitive project and even as I type this, a post-resignation NDA is waiting to be filled out on my desk (were all the previous NDAs not specific enough, or what?). So for the purposes of describing my duties during the past six years, I always have to be very general about what I do.
Sometime I’m envious of people who can say, I’m a doctor/lawyer/Indian chief, because there’s a certain image attached to such professions (respectively: make people better/lie, cheat, and steal/serve on BOD of major casino) that, if not exactly accurate in every case, represent at least a fair guess in the right direction. Many corporate titles, however, tend to serve less purpose when used outside of the specific organization where they are used. What is a Liason? An Officer? Or for that matter, a manager? These are fairly broad terms. Plus, they tend to sound over-important to people who matter.
I need to think about this a bit more. I mean, I’m not going to embellish retroactively or anything, but I need to be able to describe clearly, without sounding like I’m trying to bullshit – I have done the time and I do have marketable skills, but I’m obligated not to describe what they have been used for until now, which is unfortunate. So, for the inevitable question, “So tell me about yourself,” I need a strong answer. Some possibilities:

• If you enter Chuck Norris Justin Yoshida as your character name in Oregon Trail, you will never die, because cholera is for pussies.
• Jack Bauer Justin Yoshida does not sleep. He waits.
• Crop circles are Vin Diesel’s Justin Yoshida’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
• When in Justin Yoshida’s presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.

I’m on lunch break.
My old pal Lenny just ambushed me out of nowhere with a Flaming Fist o’ Tuna Roll attack to the shoulder and caused me to spill iced coffee on my pants (in the crotchital region, of course). What made today’s attack unique was that he said, “I’m gonna KILL you!,” as he stepped in for the blow. (Coffee aside, the shit was pretty funny, because Lenny’s eyes get all googly and bulge out when he gets excited.)
A nearby coworker jumped to my aid and exclaimed, “Lenny! NO! BAD BOY! You can’t EVER say you’re gonna kill someone!,” and also added, “right, Justin?”
As I wiped the drops of coffee from my pants, which left brown gonorrheal smears across the fly, I hissed, “Lenny… I’m gonna fucking KILL you!”
And he ran away laughing hysterically.

Only 26 days of work left for me now; 8 optional days off remain.
I’ve been in Japan so long, I actually started feeling guilty even just thinking about using them. So I asked the top office lady, the one who really makes things happen around here (you know the type, every Japanese office has one), whether I should use them or not.
She said, straight up, “I can’t say – that’s totally up to you.”
Magic words, music to my ears.
………….
Actually, as I watched her lips move, all I could hear was, “you never have to work another Monday in Japan, ever again, if you so desire.”
Fucking A.

Got stung by a rogue mosquito in the back of the head last night and now my neck is all sore from its virulent nerve toxin-saliva or whatever. Told my fellow office drone about it and he said, “don’t worry it’s probably just encephalitis – haha!”
Haha! Very funny, motherfucker.
When you were away from your desk and your client called, I told him you got fired for being a crack whore.

One of the benefits of working next to an R&D laboratory at an electronics manufacturer is that the guys are always playing around with cold lasers and soldering irons and other manly tools of self-destruction. The lab is also the coolest place in the building as the stupid Cool Biz rules don’t apply in there – the huge industrial coolers keep it nice and icy. We all make it a point to walk through there several times a day.
The mad scientists next door are currently developing next-gen hydroponics systems for some project or another. They are testing these systems next to our office windows and on the roof with tomato, eggplant, and cucumber plants, and they obviously are onto something because the yield of these plants is unbelievable. I’ve been supplementing my grocery store and produce stand purchases with what I score at work for the past month or so, and I’m very grateful what with large tomatoes going for a dollar at most Japanese supermarkets.
In work terms, I’m afraid this translates to me commenting that the hydro systems seem to need a bit more tweaking – maybe for, say, energy efficiency! – and that more “testing” is needed. I think I’m going to have to suggest new plants as well, because I’m all cucumbered out.

…for world peace
Today I convinced several Japanese people that Canada can be properly referred to as Little America. A Taiwanese guy in the room snorted; I was gracious enough to ignore this and refrain from making a crack about “Little China.”
In other news, I may have met the worst candidate ever to work in Japan: He hates rice. He hates fish. He hates noodles. He explained that he had just been transferred to the Japan account from Switzerland, where food is apparently “awesome” and there are no communal baths “which are obviously for gays.” Bummer, dude.

Note: This is not a tribute to absinthe.
If you thought my obsessive Gmail observations last week were sad…

That’s right, it’s time for DICTIONARY BLOGGING. This is my ode, in haiku form, to Green Goddess.
Indispensable
I can kill a full grown carp
With your mighty bulk
Seriously, this is a J to E translator’s best dead tree friend.
That is all.

I’m starting a war in the office. Let me explain.
Today, I intentionally broke the Tamanegi Convention. This convention simply states that no one shall consume raw onions right before coming to work. The reasons that this convention is necessary are:
A. This island is most famous for its onions
B. They are in season right now, and are delicious when sliced thin and eaten raw
C. They make your breath smell like ass
However, I would like to point out that the framers of this convention never took into account the fact that I would be returning back to a bachelor’s lifestyle this week, coinciding with coming down with a summer cold and consuming huge NyQuil caps last night, which knocked my ass out cold on the sofa and prevented me from going shopping for groceries. Hence this morning’s breakfast of egg, tomato, and onion sandwich served on a stale heel of bread folded in half.
So a message to all of you in the 9:00 meeting: INCOMING!

Some of my colleagues are on a company ski trip to Hokkaido. I guess it’s an allowed day off on this fine Monday, because they keep bombarding my keitai with pics of white slopes and messages like, “having fun?,” and, “gambatte kudasai!”
Bastards.
G-man, at least, is for some reason being nice and sending non-ski related Engrish-esque findings up in Hokkaido, so I thought I’d post them here:

Um, I guess if you make them, they will come.

There’s a bestiality joke in there somewhere.
Meanwhile, to all of you bastards skiing today: God Will Punish You! A pox on you! A thousand years of morning exercises and pointless safety certification meetings await!