What do you do?

I’ve been compiling a task list at work to hand off my replacement, if they can ever find one (I may be *ahem* hard to replace). The thing is, I’ve always done a lot more at any job than what I was originally hired for, and it’s hard to quantify exactly what I do. Regarding my current job, this is also compounded by the fact that I work on a sensitive project and even as I type this, a post-resignation NDA is waiting to be filled out on my desk (were all the previous NDAs not specific enough, or what?). So for the purposes of describing my duties during the past six years, I always have to be very general about what I do.
Sometime I’m envious of people who can say, I’m a doctor/lawyer/Indian chief, because there’s a certain image attached to such professions (respectively: make people better/lie, cheat, and steal/serve on BOD of major casino) that, if not exactly accurate in every case, represent at least a fair guess in the right direction. Many corporate titles, however, tend to serve less purpose when used outside of the specific organization where they are used. What is a Liason? An Officer? Or for that matter, a manager? These are fairly broad terms. Plus, they tend to sound over-important to people who matter.
I need to think about this a bit more. I mean, I’m not going to embellish retroactively or anything, but I need to be able to describe clearly, without sounding like I’m trying to bullshit – I have done the time and I do have marketable skills, but I’m obligated not to describe what they have been used for until now, which is unfortunate. So, for the inevitable question, “So tell me about yourself,” I need a strong answer. Some possibilities:

  • If you enter Chuck Norris Justin Yoshida as your character name in Oregon Trail, you will never die, because cholera is for pussies.
  • Jack Bauer Justin Yoshida does not sleep. He waits.
  • Crop circles are Vin Diesel’s Justin Yoshida’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
  • When in Justin Yoshida’s presence, Chuck Norris urinates sitting down.

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