So I checked the kitten in and I’m sitting next to some smelly foreigners at the gate. They are big and hairy – the gorillaest one actually has hairs sticking out through the back of his knit polo shirt. Gross.
Anyway, I brought the kitten in a red picnic basket thingy we bought somewhere for like 500 yen. Nam found this free coupon on the web for a rental cat carrier so I figured we’d transfer him over to it at check-in. The staff, however, had another idea. They took the top off the rental carrier, placed the entire picnic basket (with sleeping Yoda inside) into it, padded all four sides of the basket with cardboard and bubble wrap, then taped the whole contraption together and screwed the carrier back together. I am beyond asking why at this point, but it was reminiscent of a high-end department store where they use bags on boxes on wrappings on inner boxes wth partitions, ribbon, and a cherry on top.
Kyushu – The Final, Final Verdict
I am going. I wanted to visit Adam’s village one last time anyway. Will take some nice photos I think. Local debauchery can wait until next week, for my 30th birthday. I know, I know. The world isn’t ready for my mid-life crisis. Shoot me already.
Your Evil Masters Make You Drink Pee, GI
You think C-rations and MREs are bad news? Welcome to better dining through osmosis.
When I was growing up, I had an uncle who was in the National Guard. He lived in Connecticut with his lovely wife on a wide spread where they had horses (horses!) and an electrified wire that ran under the corral’s top railing to prevent said horses from brushing up against it. This is where I learned, at an early age, that a long stalk of wild grass will indeed conduct electricity and make you pee your pants. Anyway, my uncle would sometimes bring back C-rats for us kids to munch on and gave us little treats like camo face paint compacts, Army Ranger booby trap manuals (use the plastic spoons from the C-rats combined with everyday, ordinary clothespins to create a trigger for trip wires), and one time he even showed me a “clacker” used to detonate claymore mines (although he didn’t let me keep this – now that was one wise judgment call). Before anybody asks, I will admit up front that I did use the booby trap manuals on our avocado farm in Camarillo to [A] lure my cousin Robert and my little sister Mika into a tiger pit (read: 2-foot hole in the ground covered with leaves and filled with water instead of pungee sticks) and [B] purposefully start a fire on our property with gopher gas bombs and diesel fuel siphoned from my dad’s car (I thought I had fully extinguished the blaze but it later started up again and would have burned down our house if we hadn’t seen the smoke when we were driving by that part of the property to go to the store. Sorry! My bad.).
The best C-rats, hands down, were the freeze dried ice cream packs, which came in one flavor, Neapolitan, and were eaten as is and did not need reconstitution. We tried some of the entrees like spaghetti w/meatballs and some questionable chicken concoctions, but these were really quite nasty, almost inedible, which is saying a lot since we were kids and ate almost anything (for instance, my favorite drink growing up was milk mixed with Dr. Pepper, and my little bro was famous for eating pillbugs). I felt really sorry for my uncle when we saw what he had to eat while out on the field (I seem to recall him mentioning that Cadillac made the C-rats for some reason. Yes, Cadillac the boat maker.). But he seemed to be having a good time overall and would regale us with tales of firing a .50 cal M2 machine gun from an APC and setting hills ablaze with tracers, playing “army laser tag” with the newly issued MILES gear, and the merits of using a Lansky sharpening kit in contrast to a common whetstone for sharpening blades. Damn, I love him for that.
He also introduced me to the Civil Air Patrol when he moved out west, and I participated for a while with the hopes of one day being able to bomb submarines off the California coast like the heroes of old. You have to remember that these were the days of Top Gun, when Take My Breath Away seemed like a good song to fantasize making out with a girl to and my buddy Dustin’s dad, a fighter pilot, was involved with actually firing a missile in the movie (he was like the coolest guy in school for a while, obviously).
But where was I? Ah, yes, osmosis. Does anybody remember that Garfield strip where he has a bunch of books strapped to his head and he’s saying “I’m learning by osmosis?” Well, I really fucking hate that strip (Whoa. Who opened the hate valve, Bodhi?). Digressions aside, might I volunteer the opinion that between the choices of eating food dry or eating food reconstituted with urine, the average soldier might just lean toward eating it dry. Like, every time. Is bacteria-less urine any less urine tasting? Or perhaps they simply don’t season the food since it would make everything taste too salty (maybe the JSDF can use this tactic for their soldiers from Nagoya).
The article mentions the damage that urea does to your kidneys, which is important I think. There is some debate whether drinking your own urine when you are dying of thirst is more harmful than good or not, mostly because its a diuretic, I think. It makes your cells shrink; it is the anti-Pocari Sweat of the beverage world. Then again, I often read about millions of people in China that swear by daily doses of urine for good health. Then again, some of the Chinese herbal shops I’ve seen sell tiger dick and toad anus for increased male potency, so I’ll perhaps keep my opinion that drinking your own pee (or eating it, even sans-bacteria) might not be in your best interest, health-wise.
Besides, it gives you peepee breath.
Update: Before Dave Barry steals it, yes Indestructible Sandwich is a good name for a rock band.
Hi, I’m Pham The Dung
The Montagnards are the Kurds of SE Asia:
Vietnam’s Tribal Injustice
I take that back. The Kurds have a home base and the means to defend themselves to some degree. Maybe they are only similar in the sense that everyone lines up to screw them over. I feel really sorry for anyone in the sights of Hun Sen. (Oh shit, there goes my chances for a backpacking visa…)
Not
Found out we can sent the kitten by ANA to Fukuoka from Itami (Osaka airport) for 2,000 yen (20 bucks). The debauchery I cancelled in Nara/Wakayama this weekend is back on track!
I wonder if the one cat per plane rule is for domestic flights as well?
I’m sure gonna miss the little carpet-shitter.
Hand Carry It Is
I’m planning to carry the little booger all the way to Kyushu this weekend. I’ll pass him off to my sister, drink some Kyushuvians under the table again, eat some Aso beef-on-a-stick, and come back on a return flight for work and a new chapter of Talking with Myself. That’s my temporary plan, anyway.
Yoda will be a good American, I just know it. He fucking hates the Taliban.
Oh, in case you haven’t noticed: I’m on a blogging binge today.
Lost in Translation
All hail the Chinese butt book pirates:
Clinton is the latest victim of Chinese publishing pirates, who counterfeit entire books and rewrite the contents. Acting on the orders of their employers, translators regularly add invented content to make foreign books more appealing, such as Clinton’s memories of his affair with intern Monica Lewinsky.
“She was very fat. I can never trust my own judgment,” the Mandarin version said.
In the knock-off version, Clinton quotes Chairman Mao frequently.
MWAHAHAHA!
Go read the whole column here:
http://www.washtimes.com/upi-breaking/20040721-073739-2407r.htm
My Little American
MIRACLE OF MIRACLES!
If all goes according to my master plan, by this time next week Yoda the kitten will be on US soil, forever! We (as in, “Nam”) are working hard to have my sister hand carry him back home next week. Today, the vet announced that Yoda’s eye has completely healed (as in, “sealed totally shut” – he’ll never see out of the eye, but it won’t kill him, either) due to our daily eye washing regimen and, I suspect, also the fish oil capsules I’ve been splitting with him. (He loves the fish oil. I merely tolerate it. But we both have disgusting breath for a few hours after. Bonding at its root levels.)
The vet estimates his age at almost exactly two months old, and gave him a rabies shot today (poor baby!). I am sad because Yoda has been keeping me company during the times when I usually talk to myself – I’ve been teaching him about Life, instead. I’m very proud to be raising a bilingual kitten. He can “nyan” in Japanese and “meow” in English… Been training him for the interview at Immigration, you see. Nobody’s gonna call my kitten an FOB.
Did you know that there is an actual aviation regulation that permits only one feline per aircraft? Cool. My little sis is calling to reserve the slot now. Apparently, you can carry on pets or check them in as luggage, although carry-on is sometimes frowned upon (I guess if it wasn’t, the terrorists would be using pit bulls instead of nail clippers).
Much more to research. Will report later. The best thing to come out of this may be the addition of the line “Cat Exporter” to my resume. Aside from my kitty being safe, healthy, and American, that is. Woooooooooooooooooooot!
Someone Cares
Look at this spam attack from yesterday:
2004.07.21 21:34:17 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: all-fioricet.com
2004.07.21 21:34:18 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: e-cialis.net
2004.07.21 21:34:19 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: best-buy-cialis.com
2004.07.21 21:34:21 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: great-cialis.com
2004.07.21 21:34:22 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: (levitra|lolita|phentermine|viagra|vig-?rx|zyban|valtex|xenical|adipex|meridiab)[w-_.]*.[a-z]{2,}
2004.07.21 21:34:23 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: (levitra|lolita|phentermine|viagra|vig-?rx|zyban|valtex|xenical|adipex|meridiab)[w-_.]*.[a-z]{2,}
2004.07.21 21:34:24 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: i-butalbital-fioricet.com
2004.07.21 21:34:25 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: i-butalbital-fioricet.com
2004.07.21 21:34:27 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: (prozac|zoloft|xanax|valium|hydrocodone|vicodin|paxil|vioxx)[w-_.]*.[a-z]{2,}
2004.07.21 21:34:28 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: (prozac|zoloft|xanax|valium|hydrocodone|vicodin|paxil|vioxx)[w-_.]*.[a-z]{2,}
2004.07.21 21:34:29 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: (prozac|zoloft|xanax|valium|hydrocodone|vicodin|paxil|vioxx)[w-_.]*.[a-z]{2,}
2004.07.21 21:34:30 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: (prozac|zoloft|xanax|valium|hydrocodone|vicodin|paxil|vioxx)[w-_.]*.[a-z]{2,}
2004.07.21 21:34:32 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: (ultramb|btenuate|tramadol|pheromones|phendimetrazine|ionamin|ortho.?tricyclen|retin.?a)[w-_.]*.[a-z]{2,}
2004.07.21 21:34:33 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: (prozac|zoloft|xanax|valium|hydrocodone|vicodin|paxil|vioxx)[w-_.]*.[a-z]{2,}
2004.07.21 21:34:34 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: (levitra|lolita|phentermine|viagra|vig-?rx|zyban|valtex|xenical|adipex|meridiab)[w-_.]*.[a-z]{2,}
2004.07.21 21:34:35 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: (levitra|lolita|phentermine|viagra|vig-?rx|zyban|valtex|xenical|adipex|meridiab)[w-_.]*.[a-z]{2,}
2004.07.21 21:34:36 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: (levitra|lolita|phentermine|viagra|vig-?rx|zyban|valtex|xenical|adipex|meridiab)[w-_.]*.[a-z]{2,}
2004.07.21 21:34:37 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist comment denial on Higo Blog: (levitra|lolita|phentermine|viagra|vig-?rx|zyban|valtex|xenical|adipex|meridiab)[w-_.]*.[a-z]{2,}
2004.07.21 21:35:34 213.91.217.78 MT-Blacklist retaliatory auto-response:
COMMENT SPAMMING FUCKWAD TERMINATED WITH SHRIKE MISSILE ATTACK MUWAHAHAHAHA!!!
People have asked if MT-Blacklist works. This is proof that it does. Even after renaming the mt-comments.cgi file, my only defense against comment spammers is this essential plug-in written by Jay Allen. I do not want to move to MT3 and that Typekey crap, so MT-Blacklist is actually a reason not to upgrade. Yes, I’ve seen the Blackout plug-in for WordPress. Two words: Code thieves.
Note: Higo Blog is my little brothers blog, also hosted on this site.
Exhale
On the other hand, it’s NOT FUCKING OK to spit at Lance Armstrong just because he owns your second-rate competitors every year. Stupid fucks.
Update:
Yeah, fuck you too, you stupid ETA cunt. It’s not a fucking soccer game, show some fucking class already.