Mongolian Mustard-seed Antagonism

I’m back, after a five-day stretch being tortured by Koga ninjas in their secret lair under Lake Biwa. Fortunately, I survived by using my wits and took them all out with my killer combos:
whooping peony-blossom punch
explosive hawk flip
double star thrust
laughing taoist penetration
invincible eagle wall
resplendent sage knee
yellow emperor’s secret charge
burning fox-woman defense
abominable goldfish jab
unfathomable secret scratch
venerable sky elbow
illusory scorpion technique
fire of the eunuch penetration
innocent willow heel
When you’re time comes, will your kung fu be good enough?

The Other, Other White Meat

Go check out the Evil Sandmich’s continued writings on his adventures in Japanese cuisine last year: LINK
Excerpts:

One morning they had a little hit of ketchup with the Japanese omelet (which I never got tired of, the omelet or the ketchup) and I was as happy as a brain eating zombie (I was quite tired and didn’t realize it, but my wife said that I was sucking the contents out of the packet). I got the definite impression that the Japanese don’t make a habit of coating their food with anything (ketchup, BBQ sauce, gravy, or even wasabi).

The relative lack of condiments is something you get used to, or if you’re a condiment/spice/topping addict, deal with by carrying around your own. Actually, condiments are a lot more prevalent than they were in years past. It used to be damn near impossible to get ketchup with your fries – at McDonalds!
Japanese Condiment Factoid o’ the Day: Up until about five years ago it was common for restaurants (even large chain or “family” restaurants) to refill partially depleted Tabasco bottles – with soy sauce! The resulting mix looked like uranium sludge, and tasted about the same (and no, it wasn’t that the Tabasco was just old, either). I assume this vile dilution was carried out by the restaurants as a cost-savings measure, but I have no proof – maybe it was a ploy by the Tabasco distributors to create a more “localized” flavor for the Japanese market (and if Tabasco adds an “Oriental Pepper Sauce” to their lineup, you will know where they got the idea).

Also on the beef night, I had something for the first time during the trip – raw squid. Now I don’t mind the cooked kind, and the flavor didn’t bother me, but the texture…. The most polite way of putting it is, imagine if a stranger hocked up a big, thick, mildly fishy loogey and put it in the fridge, and the next night you accidentally dined on it.

Raw squid is best when it’s very fresh and is called “ika sashimi”; even when refrigerated, it starts degrading rapidly and after a short time becomes what I usually refer to as “bait.”
Also, the phrase “mildly fishy” never fails to evoke terrifying memories of a certain teacher I had in junior high who had recently immigrated from Germany. Her impressive bust and fondness for wearing tight, short-sleeve summer dresses was set off by the fact she had the hairiest armpits I’ve seen in my entire life, which dripped sweat in the summer when she raised her arms to write on the blackboard. Just thought I’d share that.

To add insult to injury, they were served in a bowl with cold, greenish noodles that were about the same texture as the fish (sans eyes of course). I hesitantly ate my ‘snot noodles’, but I couldn’t bring myself to choke down the fish snot sitting at the bottom of the bowl, it makes my stomach light just thinking about it.

Heh. Damn, this brings back memories from when I first came to Japan. Yep, there were some “delicacies” that I wouldn’t touch with a stick back then, although I got used to most of them quickly. There are a few things I still don’t like, but there isn’t much I haven’t tried or given a fair shake, even the stuff mentioned in the story below:
Some years ago, I took some clients from the US out for dinner, and one of them, was adamant about trying every “strange” dish possible.
Thus challenged, I ordered accordingly. I have to admit that he seemed to be genuinely enjoying everything that came until I pulled the trump card and told him the next dish was a specialty of the house, and I bet he couldn’t tell what it was:
CLIENT (pleasantly surprised): “Mmm, it’s creamy.”
ME (factually): “Yes, and it’s white, too.”
CLIENT (savoring a larger bite): “It’s kind of sweet.”
ME: “Dude! Your mouth is full of COD SPERM!”
……..
What can I say? I am here to serve.

Don’t Be Evil

This is an interesting read: Scraping and ad-stripping Google’s results
I liken it to a brave little ant picking a fight with an elephant. You applaud the little guy’s tenacity, but keep expecting to see a huge foot stomping down any second.
I tried a few searches and the results of Scroogle/Google seem identical… But that said, I can’t stop using Google.
To be honest, I don’t even want to try. I like GMail. I like Blogger. I have always thought fond of the company because I beta tested their iMode site way back in the day and they sent me Google T-shirts in return for bug reports. And, of course, I use Google for searches every single day (can you say “Home Page”). So it is with mixed feelings that I read the dirt on them here, some of which is unimportant to me, much of which is biased, but all of which makes for interesting reading.

“This is Method.”

So you expect us to believe that a man used to get mistaken for O.D.B. all the time and didn’t fully take advantage of it? Seriously, if tricking “drunken admirers from Denmark” and a “little girl who wanted to do a school report about O.D.B” are the worst things you’ve done, either:
A. You are not a man, or
B. You are lying in order to keep the weekly groupie orgies a secret from your wife.
That is all.
//
Random thought: Do people call information to find phone numbers that much anymore? I can’t remember the last time I did.

Woeful Branding

Recent tragedy aside, “Typhoon” is just a horribly unimaginative name for an (albeit yuppified and second-rate) rice rocket. “The new wave of bold style,” indeed. (Note: I’d like to suggest a correction to Toyota Canada here: “tsunami” is actually the Japanese word for… “tsunami.”)
I’ve written about this in the past, but my favorite branding memory is the Japanese company that developed an early web browser and dubbed it “Woody, the Internet Pecker.” I, of course, assumed this was a product aimed at the “average horndog salaryman” demographic, complete with Auto-cache Delete Function and Boss Coming! Minimize-to-Tray Button for safely browsing tentacle rape fansites at work, and would have opted for something bolder, like, “CYBERDONG, the Virtual Manhood Extension (w/improved Fuzzy Logic),” to interest the English-speaking plastic-model-otaku crowd and perhaps AirSoft “survival game” enthusiasts as well (because pursuing a pasttime characterized by “getting shot with hard plastic BBs that leave bloody welts” pretty much requires mental illness on the part of the players, and who better to appeal to with risque branding?). I can see the massive marketing blitz now:
– – – BUY CYBERDONG! THE DONG IS ONE! THE DONG IS INSIDE. US ALL. – – –

Report: Beasties @ Osaka-jo Hall

The concert staff on Thursday were absolutely Gestapo about the “no recording” policy and screened for cameras, etc. at the door; they wouldn’t let people use their cellphones inside the hall (cameraphones) and admonished us even way up in the gallery seats for checking e-mails and such. Even though this is standard practice, I thought it was pretty wack since the concert kicked off late and the gap between the opening and main acts was so long (preventing Japanese from using their cell phones is like pulling cables to remove Neo from the Matrix). It made me happy to find out that my little bro managed to bring a camera in and snap off shots, possibly just out of spite for the rules (you gotta fight for your right…).
beasties-concert-osakajo.jpg
Overall, it was a good concert. Actually, since it may be their last gig here (there are rumours this is their last tour), and especially considering that we had free tickets, it was fairly awesome. Since it was a Wednesday night, the crowd was small, but it was good to see hardcore fans. Osaka-jo hall is an okay venue, acoustically, but considering the size of the crowd (1,500?) a better choice would have been, say, Mother’s Hall in Namba. There were some sound problems toward the end, but considering the Beasties’ varied set switching from hip hop to instrumental to guitar sound, it was understandable.
Opening act: Le Tigre. In my opinion, the Worst Opening Act for a Concert, Ever (second worst being a pop-locking mime act opening for the Cure many years ago). I know they are fairly popular right now in a pop chart flavor-of-the-month kinda way, so if you like them, sorry. I won’t even pass judgement on them from a musical aspect, but suffice to say they are not worthy of opening for the Beastie Boys. (One last thing about them – there are online reports that Le Tigre sounds like the B-52s. Get off the crack, people.)
The venue started with live video of some roadies pushing a crate toward the stage being projected against the main backdrop (the white square at the top of the photo). They stopped near the stairs to the stage and opened the crate to reveal… Mix Master Mike, who jumped out, vinyl in hand, got behind his turntables, and proceeded to rock the house all night.
He is definitely the favorite here in Japan, and for good reason – Japanese fans usually don’t know the names of the tracks, and most can’t understand the lyrics or references embedded within – but they all know the wizardry of Mikkusu Masuta Maiku. There are so many aspiring DJs/tablists in Japan (I even saw used 1100s on sale at a computer shop in Umeda yesterday), and they all know his name is earned. Among the other tweaks and tricks he put on display at the concert, I saw him bend a vinyl in half with both hands, throw it on the table, then bend the lip of it upward with his thumb, raising one side completely off the table as he scratched with it. Just fucking amazing and a complete joy to watch.
This is what I remember of the set:
All Lifestyles
Root Down
Sure Shot
Super Disco Breakin
Sabrosa
Pass The Mic
Gratitude
Ricky’s Theme
Lighten Up
Something’s Got To Give
Open Letter To NYC
Intergalactic
Right Now
Body Movin’
Three MCs And One DJ
Check It Out
So Whacha Want
Sabotage
There were others, and it was a longer set than I expected, maybe an hour and a half. I was happy. Thanks for the tickets, T.
UPDATE: Official photos

What’s the time?

Done with work. Called T and confirmed he got the tickets. Adam and Nam are eating pizza. Getting ready to go to Osaka-jo hall, and it’s definitely time to get ill:
Riding down the block with my box in my hand
Today I feel like chillin’ just as chill as I can
Coolin’ on the corner with a forty of O.E.
‘Cause me and M.C.A. we’re down with Mike D
When I run a jam I don’t give a damn
When I’m throwing bass I say, “Thank you ma’am.”
Fuel injected, rhyme connected running things
I’m the King Adrock and I’m the king of all kings
I’m looking for a spot things are gettin’ hot
I’m M.C.A., I’m here to stay and you sir, are not
Oh no, it could not be it’s such a sight to see
It’s such a trip you’re on my tip so listen to Mike D.
My work is my play cause I’m playing when I work
My name’s Mike D., as you can see and I can dot the jerk
M.C.A., Adrock, Mike D. – it’s chill
What’s the time? it’s time to get ill