Went to do the annual physical for work today. Came back with bruised needle tracks. It was frightening to watch this inexperienced nurse with sweaty, fumbly hands try to find a vein in my arms. I swear to god this chick was blind in a previous life, because she used that needle like a walking stick, tap tap tap on one arm and then the other. Frustrated by lack of success, she binded both my arms with surgical tubing at the same time and told me to open and close my hands and sit in a corner for a few minutes (bitch, my arms turned blue before you came back).
No longer willing to persevere with the standard setup, she pulled the QUEEN MOTHER OF SYRINGES from a toolbox of medical goodies and started waving it in front of my face, saying, “now this might hurt a little.” I started whimpering in protest right then and there – the goddam thing looked like a turkey baster with a really long bicycle pump needle fitted on it. In my mind, we had the following conversation:
“Now wait just a goddam minute – just how much blood do you need?”
“Just a bit”
“So why can’t you use a smaller syringe – the hollow tip of that needle looks like a fucking cookie cutter!”
“Why, you’re right. You know what? I’ve stabbed you so many times today, I’ll just collect the blood smeared on all the needles I’ve used and that should be enough for our purposes. You are free to proceed to the hearing test.”
In reality, of course, things happened differently. She sucked many shot glasses worth of blood along with half of my right bicep into that syringe like a Hoover and the high point of the entire day was that I got to yell “OOOW! YER SUCKIN’ TOO HARD!” in public and started trembling with the kind of laughter that causes physical pain (needle in arm), but is somehow worth it.
By the time my exsanguination was complete, there were fifteen other guys waiting to get poked and they all thought my outburst was pretty funny. Except for the next guy in line. He was visibly disturbed when Nurse Naomi started squirting my blood from the syringe into the vials.
Update: It turns out that about one in four people are getting poked in both arms by this angel of destruction. Those are some seriously horrendous numbers. I can understand that doctors suck at needlework, but for nurses this sort of incompetence is unforgivable. To my little sister who plans to start med school next year: Please take this advice. Practicing on lemons and oranges isn’t good enough.