Rico Suuu

Have you ever stayed at a 5-star resort?
I’ve done so on a couple of occasions, and Nam has done it a few times more than me, and we both agree on one thing: It’s disconcerting to find out how completely fucked up rich people are… If Lucifer’s Hammer fell tomorrow, rich people would be among the first to be eaten, for sure.
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These are the type of thoughts that go through my head after midnight on weekdays.
Say it with me: SLEEP. DEPRIVAzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Matthew Santos for President

Previously in this series: David Palmer for President

“For what those West Wing fans stunned by the similarity between the fictitious Matthew Santos and the real-life Barack Obama have not known is that the resemblance is no coincidence. When the West Wing scriptwriters first devised their fictitious presidential candidate in the late summer of 2004, they modelled him in part on a young Illinois politician – not yet even a US senator – by the name of Barack Obama.”

See the full article here: LINK
All I know is that John McCain ain’t no Arnie Vinick.

Upside down in the Third World…

…or is it the First World that’s fucked?
First check out this article:
The Bacon-Wrapped Hot Dog: So Good It’s Illegal
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Now, which of the following do you think is harder for me to explain to a classroom full of average Thai kids?

  1. Why it’s illegal (and a jailable offense) to sell grilled hot dogs where I’m from
  2. Why street vendors where I’m from have to watch out for cops, health and safety officials and extortionate gangs
  3. Why any of the above parties can’t be universally placated with a free meal now and then

If they outlawed (and enforced) hot dog grilling in Bangkok alone, 20,000 people would have to change careers. Luckily, most of the changing would be done by just selling different stuff on the cart the next day, but still…

JOHN CLEESE’s LETTER TO AMERICA

To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up “aluminium,” and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour’,
‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be
replaced by the suffix “ise.”
3. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’; you
may elect to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you find you simply
can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as “like”, “know whad I’m
sayin’?” and “you know” is unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.
5. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The
Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4 will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2 will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It
will be called “Come-Uppance Day.”
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers,
self-help gurus and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to
be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not
adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you Japanese, Korean and German cars, you
will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling “gas”) – roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” American brands will be
referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to
having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American “football.” There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it “soccer”. Those of you brave enough
will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played
outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
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(forwarded from my dad)
UPDATE: As Erik notes in the comments (thanks!), this wasn’t written by John Cleese, and it’s from two election cycles ago!

hello world

We are flat out at the moment. The week has been very, very busy as we rush to move into the new (98% complete) house during the four day vacation I have from tomorrow. I spent Christmas day waiting for delivery trucks. When they came three hours late, they didn’t have everything they were supposed to have so we had to wait for trucks the next day, too. So pretty much, I hated Christmas again, but in a different way this year.
My experiment living and raising a family overseas is off to a great start. When I can finally stop sinking money into curtains, screen doors, appliances, fixtures, repairs, tweaks, and all the trim needed by this new house, I am going to buy myself a water buffalo. Just for the hell of it. It can feed and water itself around my house, and I shall finally l have my Herd of Buffalo (although Herd of Cow sounds much cooler).
Although I will barely notice it coming and going, I wish you all a very happy new year.

Scraaaatch

I’ve been taken out of commission by some type of heat rash or allergy affecting my face and neck. I’ve assembled the finest team of witch doctors in the Northeastern Region, and am currently sticking dried gecko in my orifices to get rid of this affliction.
In the meantime, please enjoy my photo of a lung-shaped, rotting mango:

It was supposed to be a photo of just a lung-shaped mango, but I forgot about it for a week.

Sad but True

Probably the only famous Australian you can immediately conjure to mind has died. Sad, and sad.
UPDATE: So did the sales genius behind Ginsu knives.
UPDATE 2: For the next twenty years, the stingray will be inexorably linked, in the mind of pretty much everyone, to Steve Irwin’s death. But that’s the coolest thing about Steve: The stingray will be remembered for his death, but not villainized, because everybody knows he never would have blamed the animal. His gift was being able to convey his genuine goodwill to animals without seeming fake or preachy.
It is being reported that the police are in possession of the actual footage of the accident, and that it might have occurred because the animal was caught between Steve and the cameraman and felt threatened.

Little Tokyo News

Check it out: The face of Little Tokyo is changing
$820,000 for a 3-bed 2BR @ 1,226 square feet! That’s a stone’s throw from skid row, people!
Then again, there is the coming of a new high-speed wireless network, the annual celebration of Nisei Week, and the (pending approval of a liquor license) upscale titty bar, the Penthouse Club, to look forward to. (Joke: How many lapdancers can a city councilman fit on his lap? Answer: Shut up and suck this dick, bitch!)

Yucko the Clown

There are times when beating on a fucker like this with a baseball bat would just make my day. Why do we even tolerate clowns in modern society? They should be burned at the stake as far as I’m concerned, right along with mimes, jugglers, and human statues.
Oh, and parents who hire clowns for their children’s birthday parties should be fucking shot, too.

CNN Breaking News 2006/06/19

“Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to be cited for failure to wear a helmet, not having a proper license at time of his June 12 accident.”

  1. And this affects me and 99.9999999% of the world how?
  2. Please tell me why he should care about a fucking traffic citation, as opposed to, say, the massive trauma to his face and head.
  3. Please tell me why you consider this worthy of an e-mail news alert while, say, this is not.

Burn Hollywood, Burn.

It just occurred to me that I can’t remember the last time I’ve been inside a movie theatre. It’s been at least a year, maybe two. Yet I’ve seen every movie that I’ve wanted to, and some of those I saw before they were released in theatres. Of course, I encourage other people to do the same as well – I really wouldn’t care if modern movies, as we know them, simply ceased to exist. They are entertaining, but about as meaningful as picking your nose.
So somehow, this is all very satisfying.
In the words of Chuck D: Hey yo, fuck Hollywood, man.

Clap your hands say WTF

Yesterday we saw the most interesting car on this island.
I applaud the concept:
– A brand spankin’ new Lexus SC 430 in jet black
– Top lowered to enjoy the fine weather at sunset
The execution caused me to laugh so hard, I almost puked:
– Driver: mid-to-late 50’s, toupe peeled back halfway off his head
– Music: Very loud, very gay J-Pop
– Custom rims: Spinners!
Observation for the day: Rich people in expensive cars really hate being laughed at by mere pedestrians.

Me not Chinese

r-u-chinaman.jpg
“If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the corner of your eyes as if you were Chinese. It works!”
I totally had to pull the corner of my eyes as if I were Chinese. Is this conclusive evidence that the Japanese race evolved independently from the rest of the world (as people who drive black buses around urban centers blaring loud propaganda messages through speaker towers would want you to believe), or am I just a bad Asian?
(via Osaka bill)

Chuppies

A friend in marketing taught me this term the other day.
Chuppies = Chinese yuppies.
They are the next trendsetters.
God save us all.
My friend says anyone who is anyone in his field will give his left nut to be a major player in this demographic. Me? I went to school with Chuppies, only we didn’t call them that then. We called them sneaky, lying assholes with a twisted sense of Confucianism. Of course, we were just stupid kids, so….

sorry, i’m stupid

You know those situations where you refrain from explaining something to somebody because you don’t think they’ll get it, then they turn out to understand it better than you do and you’re too embarassed to admit that you didn’t think they were capable of understanding it to begin with, which is already apparent to them anyway?
It makes you just want to go hide in a corner somewhere, especially if you kind of like that person… But sometimes it’s nice to confirm you’re just an asshole, like everybody else around you.

Subtlety in Self-naming 101

What is it with Asians giving themselves western names at the workplace? I work with Tommies, Jacks, Johns,etc., on a daily basis, yet these are all assumed names. More often than not, these are names that corporate English teachers or clients (that can’t pronounce native Japanese/Chinese names) have bestowed upon those in question.
Today, the G-man informed me of the best one we have heard to date. One of his wcorrespondents has dubbed himself Great Wang.
No shit, that’s what the guy calls himself; it’s even in the first part of his email address.
I don’t even know where to start analyzing something like this.
– I need one of this guy’s business cards. Just to be able to show it around.
– Will his assistants be known as Lesser Wangs?
– Anybody confident enough to wear Great Wang t-shirts? Tattoos?

The Grinch of Hanami Present

Hanami is when Japanese people start acting like a bunch of Mexicans, laying around under trees and drinking beer. – Grinch-san, 2006
You know what? Grinch-san’s comment cracked me the fuck up. Can’t really refute what the man says. What I can say is that, once again, the weather has taken a turn for the worse during the sakura bloom again. We haven’t had good weather throughout the bloom for quite a few years now.
You know what bothers me about going to hanami more and more over the years? The number of gaijin twats. They aren’t acting like twats, mind you. They’re just being themselves.
/end hanami rant 2006

Location, location, location

It’s always amusing to see columnists writing about places they’ve obviously never been: Clash of the superstores / Yamada Denki enters Osaka’s competitive electronics market
Basically, it’s hype like this that led us to take a trip down there yesterday. The night before was Adam’s birthday/farewell party in Umeda, and we stayed the night at a cheap hotel located in the illegalalienwhore district. As we all had some electronics shopping to do (a cranial implant here, a bionic limb augmentation there, you know, standard DenDen cyberware stuff), we decided to check out the vaunted new Yamada Denki complex (hereafter referred to as “Labia 1” – hey, they asked for it).
We arrived before 11 in the morning, only to face a bustling horde. Of sales staff. The place was deserted, as in, there were twice as many staff members as customers, which made for a truly annoying experience. The floor staff followed us around and incessantly offered to help with anything (“You looking to purchase LAN cable?”) until we wandered into the next area – where the next sales specialist was waiting (“Choosing the right mousepad is a critical life decision…”). Jesus.
To be that deserted exactly one month after opening day, on a weekend no less, is not a good sign. I predict this place will close in a few years, after several key management changes and obscure restructurings of the point card system, never having reached any of its lofty goals. The problem? See the title of this post.
True, the complex is theoretically a three minute walk from Namba station. The thing is, it’s a three minute walk toward the middle of nowhere, past Namba Parks and the WINS betting complex (horse racing)… And ultimately, one can’t help but wonder if their business plan relies on impulse buys by people winning big on the ponies; gambling on the gamblers, so to speak. The ultimate proof I can offer to back up my prediction is the parking space I put my car in, the first level of the parking structure, right next to the store elevators, adjacent to ten other open spaces. Now try that at Yodobashi in Umeda.