Admitting Change

I backed down from a fight in the parking lot this morning.
The funny thing is, I would have been completely morally justified in beating the shit out of this guy. He almost caused two school kids to get run over, and took displeasure in me calling him on it – and so he waited for me at the entrance of the parking lot, where he knew I had to walk to get to work.
He was talking tough and really trying to provoke a response. When that didn’t work and I walked right by him, he grabbed my jacket sleeve and tugged me back. And on top of it all, he was making a big show of half-pulling some kind of weapon from his jacket pocket – the classic mark of someone who is definitely not serious about using it. So yes, I was justified. I came pretty goddamn close to throwing an elbow at his throat; he was right up in my face with both hands occupied – one holding my lapel and the other in his pocket.
And yet, I let it slide. I backed down. We exchanged some harsh words, but the fact is, I consciously backed down. This is the second time I’ve been in a situation like this in two years, and the second time I’ve backed down.
It is not easy for me to back down. It really rubs me the wrong way; if this time is anything like last time, I won’t be able to sleep tonight because there was no release. Those feelings are like a poison inside me. They gnaw at my guts and make me tremble. And I knew it would end up like this, and I still chose to back down.
The thing is, Never Backing Down was a way of life for me for the longest time. It was an ideal way of life when I felt I had nothing to lose – so simple, so samurai. The thing is, though, even samurai realized they were fucked if they ever tried to live the warrior life only part of the time. In the book of Hidden Leaves, it states that a warrior must accept death on a daily basis. He must be ready to die at any time, and only then can he overcone his enemies. It basically said, you can be either a warrior, or be something else, but not both at the same time. Because deluding yourself into thinking you can do both is what will get you killed for sure.
And so I guess what I’m trying to say is, I have too much to lose now to indulge in unnecessary fighting. Which for someone, who for some reason runs into as many confrontations as I do, basically means that I will have to back down from fights if at all possible, even if it is hard to swallow afterwards.
Having too much to lose is a good thing, and I know I did the right thing, but it sure doesn’t help with this incredible frustration I feel right now…
Hurry, someone call me a pussy so I can kick your ass.

8 thoughts on “Admitting Change

  1. Oh, you’re not a pu**y….you’re a wussy! And instead of taking it out on me by yourself, you can have your pachyderm step on me during the wedding procession.

  2. Well…s’pose there’s always the prospect that some karmic boomerang will catch that guy as he’s walking back home all proud ‘n’ shit until wham! A car hits him.

  3. Consider the difference between a physical altercation and an argument. The length of time you suffer or gloat, isn’t always determined by which you had. I’ve never been much of a fighter. But, personally I’m not so sure it felt that much better as the ass-kicker, or the ass-kickee. I avoid them now because it hurts whether I win or lose. No difference.

  4. I would’ve backed off that, too. People do stupid shit when they’re being embarassed by losing a fight. Say you were pounding him into oblivion; opponent feels like he’s got to do smtg to save his pride and prevent more pounding; so he pulls out knife and slides the blade between your ribs; you’re mortally wounded or dead.
    I wouldn’t fk w/weapons when unarmed. Better alive than dead by some fkstick, over something as simple as described.
    I think you made the reasonable choice. The intelligent warrior does not take every challenge. He picks the correct ones.

  5. Your Aikido Sensei would be proud of your maturing wisdom and the ability to not allow reactive emotions to disempower you. It is at first, quite challenging to walk away from what can become a fight….but this gets easier with time and conscious effort. Still, I admit to having fleeting daydreams of creative punishment modalities for all the assholes out there!

  6. Good on ya, mate!
    4 days ago, I got robbed by 4 Phillipino gangstaz on the street and pulled me in their 4 sq feet residence and showed me their colt 45, and forced me to give them money. I had no choice.
    My damage, 200 bucks. Went to Casino on the way, took my cash from the ATM and played Roulette. Got 180 back. Bought a 40 dollar bycycle. Thinking back, I was the one who has everything. They got nothing to lose.
    It is not seldom to come accross this shit in Phillipines. I knew that I gotta be really careful here. I have never thought of this would happen to me. Gosh, Feel so good, San Miguel carveza tastes fine, I am still alive.

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