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Inside the mind of Eddie Vedder
The lyrics to “Yellow Ledbetter” deciphered.
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Les Quiz
You’re butch. You have little use for femininitybecause frankly, it never got you anywhere.Guys may find you intimidating, but once theyget to know you, you’re not so bad. You’reempowered and sometimes stand up for women’sand gay rights. If you own a motorcycle, youprobably also know how to strip it and performyour own repairs. If something bugs you aboutyour house, fixing it is no problem. You may bea little shy about decking, tile work,electrical work, plumbing or hanging windows.Once you figure out how to do it, there isn’tmuch holding you back. What is your Dyke Rating? brought to you by Quizilla Damn. I wanted to be a lesbian seagull.
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Chibi! Kuro! Sambo!
In the race toward cultural insensitivity, Japan proves to be a proud contender once again! Next month, Japanese publisher Zuiunsha will revive the Japanese version of Little Black Sambo: LINK I’m buying, like, a thousand copies to hand out in place of business cards.
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C. Buddha’s Top Ten Pet Peeves – Updated for 2005
1. People who test ringtones in public. 2. People who cut you off because you decided to drive “nice” today. 3. The phantom butt itch (in public – in private it’s scratchable). 4. Cheerful people on Monday mornings. 5. Cheerful people in general. 6. People. 7. The absence of napkins at many (most?) restaurants in Japan. 8. High society types from Tochigi who pronounce “Tochigi” differently than everyone else. 9. Computer-retarded Powerbook snobs. 10. Gossipy office harpies that spend lunchbreaks painting their faces like whores and have a cow over me “tapping” the copier when it gets jammed and won’t reset.
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“Doctor, doctor, I’m manic-depressive.”
Alright, then… Calm down! Cheer up! Calm down! Cheer up! Calm… “Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!” No problem. Hop up on the couch. “Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I’m ugly!” OK, lay on the couch, face down. “Doctor, doctor, I’ve only got 59 seconds to live.” Wait a minute please. (I love you sickos, keep the mail coming!)
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Suspense (killing you it must be)
I am in the middle of researching the most important subject I will ever post on – that’s right! – even more important than Japanese fish sausage, although if you are the astute type, you already suspect that Japanese fish sausage is somehow involved. You are correct. Hint: No, I am not covering the 500-foot tall Hello Kitty statue made of squid rings and rapeseed flowers to be erected in Sumoto this weekend. Also, I am NOT writing about the prime minister of Japan getting a handjob from the US ambassador to the chrysanthemum court in spite of beef imports continuing to be banned (the real reason for this is…
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The Power of Rice
Rice is the foundation of the Asian diet, and the mortar in aincent Chinese architecture.
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Desert Island
A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They send an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island and arrange to come back and pick them up in a year’s time and see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves. “I’m an engineer” says the Englishman, “So I’ll handle building a shelter”. He turns to the Frenchman and says: “You French are pretty good cooks so why don’t you handle the cooking?” The Frenchman agrees, and the Englishman turns to the Japanese and says “That leaves you to organise the supplies”. The…
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Playing with fire
I just reviewed a technical journal describing recent work-related accidents in our industry (electronics manufacturing) and came across an incident I coincidentally heard about from another source a few weeks ago. Last month, a manager at a (whatever) factory blew his stack at a worker who was welding together a steel support during factory expansion. He tore this guy a new asshole and made some threats, and told the worker to complete the job before he returned. The job wasn’t finished when he came back, so manager dude decides he’s gonna show the worker how to do the job right… Except he had no formal certification for welding (and thus…
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“That’s not my belly button, sensei!”
No matter how much amusement it would have provided in the years to come, I could not, in good conscience, allow an acquaintance to name his new children’s English conversation school “Neverland.” Update: I’m already too late to save this place.
