Month: August 2005

All your base is belong to… Gaijin?

Whoa. Check out the latest comment on my Black Bus post from last year:
You are not understand nothing yet… gaijin
The commenter, Ryoma, is either a big fan or a cock-hoggin’ goose-stepper – I just can’t figure out if his comment is high praise or the lowest of insults.
You are not understand nothing… I have to admit, this has a special ring to it. The double negative implies that I know something… On the other hand, perhaps nothing is a reference to mu, the state of nothingness one achieves through meditation – or perhaps in Spain, where Ryoma is posting from, through several bong hits. Now that is just hurtful, man.
At least he has hope in me, as implied by the trailing “yet.” Maybe he sees my potential for not understanding nothing. Now that might be something to hope for!
Anybody else have any insight into this?
Ryoma, damn you! Why must you confound me so? RYOOOOOOOOOMAAAAAAAA!

Going with the flow.

There’s this special needs/mentally challenged/invertedly endowed/lugubriously entertaining/whatever the fuck the PC demigods are calling it this month (I’ll just use “retarded”) guy working in my building who worships me because I stood up for him my first year here. Some newly-made manager/fucknut wanker was just letting loose on the poor guy for stacking boxes wrong or some such bullshit, and went so far as to slap him around a bit, at which point I intervened and shoved said fucknut on his ass and told him to shut the fuck up. Long story short, the retarded guy really took a liking to me after that (I never got in trouble even though everybody in the company heard about it; the manager got shipped off to Bumfuck, Kyushu to oversee a 3-person production line for replacement AC parts a couple years ago. Ha-ha.).
Now I have a problem because my retarded friend has started expressing this affection in a physical manner – by hitting me. At first it was just a soft jab in the arm or a friendly tap on the shoulder, but homeboy must be watching Rocky movies at home or something, because he punched me in the kidney this afternoon after lunch and I doubled over, nearly crying out for my mommy.
You see, this guy’s job is to move boxes of product around the factory by handlift all day long, which requires a lot of heavy lifting and the like. He is muscular and fit; the reason he didn’t unload on the fucknut manager guy that day long ago, or any of the apparently numerous times before that, was not because he lacked the physical capability to do so. It is just that he frightens like a small child, and can be cowed into submission by tiny-pricked little bullies even half his size, because he is so sweet-natured. Even so, I know one day he might actually hurt me with an unluckily-placed strike. Yet I feel guilty doing anything to prevent this rite of male bonding.
The way I see this going is that one day he’ll break one of my ribs while playfully socking me with that big shit-eating grin on his angelic face, and then I’ll have to show him who the big dog is again. After I’m done crying, of course. I just hope nobody’s around to watch me slapping a retard at work- oh, well. Life has a funny way of running things out the way they are supposed to be, and who the fuck am I to change that?

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

This week seems to be List Week for some reason. This one’s from Osaka Bill:
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh S*$# what the hell happened?”
Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old pals & friends ’cause you know they’ll enjoy it & do the same.

Reclaiming Anazarbus

I have decided that the future capitol city of my empire shall be named Justinopolis.
City Codes of Justinopolis (work in progress)
1. Stupid people shall be shot on sight.
2. Second verse, same as the first.
3. Piracy – a serious problem (from a certain point of view) that we refuse to treat with ineffective laws (or confuse with terrorist activities).
4. Robots are cool.
5. Speaking of which, all AI scientists will be guaranteed a girlfriend.
6. Hacking good.
7. Faking bad.
8. Ministry of Information: D. Chappelle (he needs a new job)
9. Speaking of which: Independent reporting good.
10. Bicycles also good.