Just drive.

I can’t figure out if this is a joke or not.

“iLane[TM] consists of a powerful and small device that interacts directly with existing Bluetoothâ -enabled handheld devices and vehicle audio systems or headsets to read messages out loud and to listen to driver instructions. The presence of the driver is automatically detected by iLane[TM], which then assumes control to intelligently capture and manage inbound information as soon as it arrives on the driver’s wireless email device (e.g., BlackBerry).”

Please don’t encourage multitasking behind the wheel – aren’t there more than enough idiots on the road already?
(thx sen)

Oh My Technorati

Remember that rant about “Web 2.0” I wrote a few weeks back? That post resulted in angry geek hate mail (ooo, scawy), but today I stand vindicated: Who turned the trendportal firehose on Technorati’s front page?
My proposals for a new slogan up top to complement the groovalicious avatars and collegehumor color motif:

  1. Where Blogsearch Is Fun!
  2. Digg This, Bitches!
  3. Check out the Featured Bloggers, yo!

Update: I may have figured out the culprit – I believe it’s the same guy who applied a default Blogger template to Slate.

Three days – a lifetime

  • Visited some cousins from the states I haven’t seen in years
  • Went out drinking with friends for the first time in months
  • Had some damn good yakitori, too (mmm, namagimo)
  • In the wee hours of the morning, rode three people on a motor scooter blasted out of our minds
  • Also, shit our pants when another scooter passed us with a cop car chasing him yelling, “STOP! We saw your face! You might as well stop!” over the bullhorn (Note to aspiring donut-nemeses: This tactic doesn’t seem to work so well as you might expect; you must put forth the effort to lie convincingly to escaping criminals)
  • Met up with the younger brother of a good friend from France who I hadn’t seen for a few years and fulfilled a promise I made to him long ago
  • Stayed out til dawn, and, upon exiting the bar, cursed God for inventing the sun, and specifically, direct sunlight in my eyes
  • Watched someone wake up not knowing where he was (this was hilarious because it happens to us all at some point in life, doesn’t it? Or if you can’t relate to that, maybe it just happens to good people.)
  • Extracted belongings on behalf of someone important to me from his ex-girlfriend
  • Managed to refrain from spitting in contempt at said party, although it was a close thing
  • Arranged a plan for safe return of abovementioned belongings – at minimum additional cost
  • Attended live house/instumental jam at new club in Osaka where a couple friends performed
  • Reaffirmed my sincere hatred for second-rate house DJs
  • Discovered they are selling Sasebo Burgers at select Family Mart convenience stores (quite pricey at 380 yen; tasty but not worth it)
  • Discovered the existence of a huge online Japanese society of sex doll-photographing perverts/shut-ins/true otakuzoku
  • Returned to my alma mater to convey an interest in student exchange on behalf of my wife’s university in Thailand
  • My attempt was belittled by someone I respect, but I have learned to bear these things with humility, y’all (and more importantly, the attempt itself will be remembered, which was my ultimate goal – I sacrificed the chicken to win the donkey, bitch!)
  • And yes, the above use of “bitch” is an honorific and purely figurative
  • A friend and and I visited the grave of our beloved demon dog, Sonic
  • True story – one time in the past when we visited Sonic’s grave, there was a whole, bloody pigeon’s wing right on top of it
  • There was not one today
  • But I got several mosquito bites behind the library, where I once had to take a crap during my sophomore year because I couldn’t make it to a toilet on time
  • True story – a friend who saw it named that crap Red Indian, for reasons I prefer not to disclose as it lacks class, which is what my tens of readers expect when they come here
  • The crap wasn’t there anymore
  • Saw a cute girl in short yellow shorts walking a huge dog with ENORMOUS balls that swayed in unison to the girl’s hips as they walked down the street together
  • The enormous balls were more disturbing than the girl was cute, so I implore all cuties of the world to choose their pets wisely, or at least neuter them
  • After that, I had several hours to kill, so I hooked up with a good pal in Nara, and we shared a pizza and saw half of a B-movie at his crib
  • Remember the cousins I spoke of in the first bulleted point of this entry? I met all their kids today – 7 in total, plus more cousins and and an aunt from L.A. to boot
  • It would make me feel bad to say why, but the whole three day affair ended on a sour note, and on the way home, I broke a land speed record fueled on pure rage

Doing my part…

…for world peace
Today I convinced several Japanese people that Canada can be properly referred to as Little America. A Taiwanese guy in the room snorted; I was gracious enough to ignore this and refrain from making a crack about “Little China.”
In other news, I may have met the worst candidate ever to work in Japan: He hates rice. He hates fish. He hates noodles. He explained that he had just been transferred to the Japan account from Switzerland, where food is apparently “awesome” and there are no communal baths “which are obviously for gays.” Bummer, dude.

Thai Visa Trivia of the Day

For citizens of Bangladesh, India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka Nepal, Syria, Iraq, Iran, Lebanon, Sudan, Algeria, Libya, Yemen, Egypt, Palestinian State, Nigeria, Afghanistan, China, and North Korea, the Thai visa applicant must first be granted status of residence in Japan.
I wonder if this only applies to people applying to the Royal Thai Consulate in Osaka.

Off-season Jack Bauer Love

I have a feeling I will be watching 24 long past the point of it jumping the shark; such is my love for J. Bauer, Esq., that I will probably watch every episode up to and including the one where Jack and Chloe are sent to the moon to prevent Tamil Tigers from detonating a Chinese nuke on the surface and dislodging enough moon dust to obscure the sun from the earth, which would start a new Ice Age.
It was much the same with the X-Files. I was one of the semi-dedicated who stuck with it until the movie came out, and I religiously watched every episode. I was in denial that it started sucking for quite a while. Maybe with some luck and more judicious tasering of ardorous salarymen by Chloe, 24 can last a while longer. Meanwhile, it is the long period before the next season starts, and it is good to know that others are keeping the dream alive:

“If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.”
“If Jack Bauer’s gun jams, it’s because he wanted to beat you with it.”
“When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.”
“There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.”

Ad infinitum, here: Random Jack Bauer Facts