Category: Thai Society/Culture

Banks and Blades and Monster Geckos

One of the coolest things about rural Thailand is the prevalence of bladed tool vendors outside of banks and government building selling scythes, spades, hatchets, axes, machetes, and cooking knives of all sizes and types. I went to the tax office with some Japanese teachers last week and as they waited in line inside, I was just outside the window closest to the tax clerks, handling what could basically be desribed as a ghetto battle axe, with a rusty, roughly machined blade welded to a steel pipe that served as a handle. I don’t know if the clerks saw me outside in my adolescent dwarf warrior state, but when I went in they let me cut to the front of the line…
This morning I bought a big ghetto cleaver with a big hole cut in the blade to hang it from a nail on the wall, just before I went inside Kasikorn Bank to pay the monthly on my car. The security guard saw me test the blade with my thumb, make the purchase, and stroll into the bank and didn’t bat an eye… Which is kind of amazing since if all I had was a nightstick and someone pulled this on me, I’d wail like a beleaguered bitch and surrender my castle:

|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
Of course, it bears asking if the monster living under the eaves of my house is going to be impressed:

I’m guessing: Not!
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
BONUS TOKAY GECKO (Latin: Gekko Gecko @ Linnaeus, 1758) TRIVIA:

  • “Tokays are the least lovable of the geckos. They are known for their nasty temperament, cheerfully biting the hand that feeds, cleans or otherwise comes into anything resembling close proximity to them.” (link)
  • Vietnam vets know Tokay Geckos as “fuck you” lizards (link), due to their mating calls (which last all goddamn night, believe me)

All you ever wanted to know about using squat toilets

I’ve lived in Asia for over a decade, so I’m used to squat toilets (as opposed to western-style toilets that you sit on). I prefer squat toilets everywhere except for my own bathroom, actually. I know that doctors and health professionals say that you don’t “get germs” from other people via toilet seat transfer, but what can I say? They probably live sheltered lives and have never SEEN the disgusting state of nasty public toilet seats – you know, the ones yellowed from age, with huge welts from cigarette burns, cracked in three separate pieces and with stinky bits of shit and god-knows-what stuck to it. You know, the kind that make you feel invaded by germs just by looking at them… Anyway, this post is not about squat vs. western style toilets, because in general, you use what’s available at the time (an exception to this would be the few public restrooms that provide BOTH types of toilets, but that’s beyond the scope of this post).
One thing I have been wondering about ever since I first came to Thailand is, what are the exact mechanics for wiping your ass when there’s no paper, but an open tank of water and a plastic scoop? I mean, I kind of get the drift that Mr. Finger(s) will be touching Mr. Browneye at some point in the procedure, but how the hell is that sanitary if everyone is using the same source of water? Let me state that a bit more concisely: Are my shit crumbs mixing with your shit crumbs? My enquiring mind wanted to know!
Also, what about the spray hose found in some Thai toilets?
And why do I see Thai people coming out of the restroom with large wet spots on their bums? Does this not bother them? (It bothers the hell out of me…)
Well, last night I stumbled upon a thread on the Thaivisa forums that shed some light on this situation: Thai Toilet Etiquette
Go check it out. It may give you an idea of how to wipe your ass if there’s no toilet paper in the stall and you’ve forgotten to take along some tissues (although I can’t believe there are actually people taking off their pants and hanging them around their necks in public restrooms!).

Tiny Geckos

… are falling from my walls onto my bed and the floor. There are hundreds of them, I’m sure, hatching around our house. I’ve seen around 30 or so in the past couple of days, slightly more than an inch long and still learning how to walk. Thus, they fall on my bed from the ceiling. I accidentally crushed one with the screen door yesterday and felt really bad about it.

hemidactylus frenatus – the House Gecko, known as “jingjok” in Thailand.
Image borrowed from here.

Staircase Method

I just finished grading for the first semester of classes – whew! It was hard work, much more work than a sweaty gaijin should have to do in 38 degree (C) weather.
Anyway, many of my colleagues aren’t finished, so I told them about the “staircase method” of grading that I read about somewhere on the in-tar-webs. This consists of standing at the top of a staircase and throwing a stack of ungraded tests (or papers) down the stairs. The tests on the highest steps get A’s, the next highest get B’s, and so forth… My Thai colleagues really got off on this idea, maybe even a bit too much…
I must say that I never expected to become a teacher, much less at a university. But here I am. It’s been fun so far.

Bangkok Bookstores

If you are looking for a specific book that’s still in print, your one-stop shop is the Kinokuniya in Siam Paragon. There is an Asia Books one floor down from it that looks like it’s about to go under because the selection at Kinokuniya is just that good. Also, the Kinokuniya branch at the Emporium comes nowhere close to the one at Siam Paragon, in terms of pretty much anything.
I haven’t been able to make a proper tour of the used bookstores in Bangkok yet. I know there are a few around, and a couple even have blogs – just haven’t had the time. I did spend a couple hours in the used book section at Jatujak market a couple weeks ago, and found a few treasures that I just had to have. The book section is the one area of Jatujak where you can leisurely browse and not feel completely overcome by that frenetic shopping/selling vibe prevalent throughout the rest of the market.

flogging the bishop

I like living in the third world, for the most part. Thailand is a great country and I like the fact that there’s a lot further to go up than down. Today, however, I experienced a downside to the lack of development when I went to the hospital for a sperm count.
Actually, we didn’t really go there to get my sperm tested, but I was kind of talked into it, if you know what I mean. It was all quite embarrassing, truth be told – the nurses kept giggling and saying the word “SPERM TEST” really loudly, in a waiting room full of people (yes, the word “sperm” has been carried over to Thai from English). Then I went to go see the doctor, who filled me in regarding the procedure… I think most guys can relate to what I was most concerned with, and basically the only thing I wanted to know was if they had any, um, how to say this… material. You know, like, inspirational material.
All of my worst fears were realized when the kind doctor answered “no,” then proceeded to tell me that I had to “do my business” in a restroom, since they had no, um, meat handling facilities. At that point I was ready to chicken out, but my wife and the nurses were quite adamant about me going through with it. “Hell,” I thought, “used to do it all the time when I was like, thirteen.” Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad…
The nurse handed me a plastic cup with a yellow, threaded cap and commanded in a loud voice, “PUT ALL YOUR SEMEN!” Then she pointed me toward the rear of the building.
This, my friends, is how I came to find myself in the public restroom at a hospital in Thailand, surrounded by geckos in a dirty toilet stall that stank like shit and death, trying to convince a very unhappy monkey that it really wanted to be spanked… With no materials! Think about that for a second…
I feel like I really took one for the team today.
||||||||||||||||||||||||||
VERDICT: My sperm is so strong, it could make Chuck Norris ovulate…
I sang a Happy Sperm song all the way home! It sounded something like this:

My sperm is so strong,
It could kick your ass
It can swim in the ocean
and slither through grass
My sperm is so motile,
no one can say shit
You might get knocked up
by just looking at it!

My sperm challenges you to a game of wits! Bring it, biiiiiotches!

my new car

The overnight bus departs from Sarakham at 9:15 and arrives at Bangkok sometime after three in the morning. We took the “VIP” bus which costs another forty or fifty baht, yet is great value for the money since you get a hot meal, a bottle of water, and comfortable seating.
We stayed at Nam’s aunt’s house in Lad Prao and set out the next morning in search of a used car. Surprisingly, this was fun. I shocked a couple of dealers by showing them evidence of past accidents on their cars, so I guess the average Thai buyer is about as knowledgeable as the average American buyer. There was a lot less smooth talk than I expected, though. Of all the dealers we talked to, only one followed up with a phone call the next day. Altogether, there was little pressure to immediately commit to anything, which made for a nice experience. What made it even nicer was the car I decided on:

Love at first sight
That’s a Nissan Cefiro with a 3-liter V6 engine (which is important, since almost all of those imported into Thailand only have a 2-liter engine. Too wimpy.). As of writing this, there are only two others for sale in the whole country that I can find, and only one in black (I don’t care that it shows dirt and I don’t care that it absorbs heat, I like black cars). It’s slightly modified with aero kit and alloy seventeens, and it looks absolutely stunning in person. The sound system is crap, which is just how I wanted it since I like doing that part myself. I can’t believe I have to wait another two weeks to drive it!
Now all I need to do is bring it out here to the rice fields and build a car port for it.

Bangkok Bombing Update

The Australian is reporting that the New Years bombings in the capitol were the work of Jemaah Islamiah. Originally the focus of investigation seemed to be on the former (Thaksin’s) regime; now they seem to be coming to the conclusion everyone else came to thirty seconds after the explosions: Muslim separatists from the south (Religion of Peace reprazent!)
Full story here.
I went to a local carnival yesterday (which I hope to write about soon) and was surprised to find so few people in attendance. Asking around this morning, it seems many people are afraid to go to big events now because of bombs. That’s just fucked. I, myself, think there is a 0% chance of that kind of shit happening here, and the fear response is just what the baby killers want… Fuck that.