Category: Thai Society/Culture

My first speeding ticket in Thailand

So the short version of this story goes:

  1. Today I got caught speeding 50kph over the (unposted) speed limit
  2. I paid a fine on the spot and was released
  3. I love Thailand!

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I have this running joke with people who ride in my car and ask what the funny device attached to my windshield is – “It’s a 7-11 detector,” I always say (I’ve NEVER seen another radar detector in Thailand, so their curiosity is understandable). Sure enough, it starts beeping madly whenever we pass a convenience store (or anywhere else with automatic door sensors), so this explanation may be less facetious than it sounds (then again, maybe not). Well as it turns out, it might as well have been a “7-11 detector” today when it started beeping wildly while I was driving on a flat stretch of highway between towns.
The beeping surprised the hell out of me, because all around, there was nothing but typical Isan scenery: A few trees, rice fields as far as the eye could see, a couple of skinny cows, and the tall spire of a temple half a kilo down the road. I consciously noticed that I had become desensitized to the sound of my radar detector – I didn’t brake and instead just let off the gas a bit, convinced that it had picked up on an errant signal sent from the cosmos, or perhaps a stray radar wave bouncing off the dusty Thai ionosphere. The last thing, the absolute last thing I thought it could be was a speed trap, so you pretty much see where this story is going.
The men in brown were waiting for me a kilometer down the road. Luckily, Nam was in the car with me and she took care of the whole thing. they wanted me to pull over and wait to be processed. They wanted my driver’s license. They wanted to know if I knew I had been driving at least 130kph. When all was said and done, they wanted to get paid. My fine for speeding 50kph over the limit?
200 baht.
That’s like, six bucks.
In Japan, I’d instantly have my license revoked and be fined thousands of dollars, plus maybe get a free night’s stay in traffic jail.
Like I’ve said before, some things are just really cheap out here in the sticks. The funny thing is, we actually paid more than normal (for around here, at least, in Bangkok, etc., it’s a lot different), because this was a special traffic safety crackdown taking place to reduce accidents for the Songkran holiday period, which starts tomorrow.
I love Thailand.

Impossible Fish


Why not ride on the coattails of the Impossible Fish Tank? (See that? That’s how to give credit, bitches…)
We somehow acquired a small fish tank at the house and went out to buy some fish to keep as slaves (not slaves in the sense that they will work our land for a share of the crops, but in the sense that they exist only to amuse us, since freshwater fish make such shitty companions/rescue animals).
We went to the local pet shop and found mostly a bunch of fat, quivering goldfish and mollies, which I detest, as I like my slaves skinny (and preferably, forlorn/amusing). In a tank wedged between the goldfish, however, we found the fish pictured above. Rather than thinking about how I’d never seen fish like these before, or how unnatural their coloring looked, I instead thought about what a stunning resemblance they shared with some fishing lures in my tackle box at home:

So you may understand that I reacted with some surprise when the worker at the pet shop, while scooping these specimens into a bag for us to take home, told us that they had in fact been artificially colored. And I do not mean to say that they were painted or dipped in some kind of dye, either. It was INJECTED into their bodies!
…………..
Fucking third world!
Poor fishies!
I no longer think of them as slaves; they are my babies and I shall care for them tenderly (feeding them processed food pellets once a day) until the time of the Big Flush.

Banks and Blades and Monster Geckos

One of the coolest things about rural Thailand is the prevalence of bladed tool vendors outside of banks and government building selling scythes, spades, hatchets, axes, machetes, and cooking knives of all sizes and types. I went to the tax office with some Japanese teachers last week and as they waited in line inside, I was just outside the window closest to the tax clerks, handling what could basically be desribed as a ghetto battle axe, with a rusty, roughly machined blade welded to a steel pipe that served as a handle. I don’t know if the clerks saw me outside in my adolescent dwarf warrior state, but when I went in they let me cut to the front of the line…
This morning I bought a big ghetto cleaver with a big hole cut in the blade to hang it from a nail on the wall, just before I went inside Kasikorn Bank to pay the monthly on my car. The security guard saw me test the blade with my thumb, make the purchase, and stroll into the bank and didn’t bat an eye… Which is kind of amazing since if all I had was a nightstick and someone pulled this on me, I’d wail like a beleaguered bitch and surrender my castle:

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Of course, it bears asking if the monster living under the eaves of my house is going to be impressed:

I’m guessing: Not!
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BONUS TOKAY GECKO (Latin: Gekko Gecko @ Linnaeus, 1758) TRIVIA:

  • “Tokays are the least lovable of the geckos. They are known for their nasty temperament, cheerfully biting the hand that feeds, cleans or otherwise comes into anything resembling close proximity to them.” (link)
  • Vietnam vets know Tokay Geckos as “fuck you” lizards (link), due to their mating calls (which last all goddamn night, believe me)

All you ever wanted to know about using squat toilets

I’ve lived in Asia for over a decade, so I’m used to squat toilets (as opposed to western-style toilets that you sit on). I prefer squat toilets everywhere except for my own bathroom, actually. I know that doctors and health professionals say that you don’t “get germs” from other people via toilet seat transfer, but what can I say? They probably live sheltered lives and have never SEEN the disgusting state of nasty public toilet seats – you know, the ones yellowed from age, with huge welts from cigarette burns, cracked in three separate pieces and with stinky bits of shit and god-knows-what stuck to it. You know, the kind that make you feel invaded by germs just by looking at them… Anyway, this post is not about squat vs. western style toilets, because in general, you use what’s available at the time (an exception to this would be the few public restrooms that provide BOTH types of toilets, but that’s beyond the scope of this post).
One thing I have been wondering about ever since I first came to Thailand is, what are the exact mechanics for wiping your ass when there’s no paper, but an open tank of water and a plastic scoop? I mean, I kind of get the drift that Mr. Finger(s) will be touching Mr. Browneye at some point in the procedure, but how the hell is that sanitary if everyone is using the same source of water? Let me state that a bit more concisely: Are my shit crumbs mixing with your shit crumbs? My enquiring mind wanted to know!
Also, what about the spray hose found in some Thai toilets?
And why do I see Thai people coming out of the restroom with large wet spots on their bums? Does this not bother them? (It bothers the hell out of me…)
Well, last night I stumbled upon a thread on the Thaivisa forums that shed some light on this situation: Thai Toilet Etiquette
Go check it out. It may give you an idea of how to wipe your ass if there’s no toilet paper in the stall and you’ve forgotten to take along some tissues (although I can’t believe there are actually people taking off their pants and hanging them around their necks in public restrooms!).

Tiny Geckos

… are falling from my walls onto my bed and the floor. There are hundreds of them, I’m sure, hatching around our house. I’ve seen around 30 or so in the past couple of days, slightly more than an inch long and still learning how to walk. Thus, they fall on my bed from the ceiling. I accidentally crushed one with the screen door yesterday and felt really bad about it.

hemidactylus frenatus – the House Gecko, known as “jingjok” in Thailand.
Image borrowed from here.

Staircase Method

I just finished grading for the first semester of classes – whew! It was hard work, much more work than a sweaty gaijin should have to do in 38 degree (C) weather.
Anyway, many of my colleagues aren’t finished, so I told them about the “staircase method” of grading that I read about somewhere on the in-tar-webs. This consists of standing at the top of a staircase and throwing a stack of ungraded tests (or papers) down the stairs. The tests on the highest steps get A’s, the next highest get B’s, and so forth… My Thai colleagues really got off on this idea, maybe even a bit too much…
I must say that I never expected to become a teacher, much less at a university. But here I am. It’s been fun so far.

Bangkok Bookstores

If you are looking for a specific book that’s still in print, your one-stop shop is the Kinokuniya in Siam Paragon. There is an Asia Books one floor down from it that looks like it’s about to go under because the selection at Kinokuniya is just that good. Also, the Kinokuniya branch at the Emporium comes nowhere close to the one at Siam Paragon, in terms of pretty much anything.
I haven’t been able to make a proper tour of the used bookstores in Bangkok yet. I know there are a few around, and a couple even have blogs – just haven’t had the time. I did spend a couple hours in the used book section at Jatujak market a couple weeks ago, and found a few treasures that I just had to have. The book section is the one area of Jatujak where you can leisurely browse and not feel completely overcome by that frenetic shopping/selling vibe prevalent throughout the rest of the market.