What’s going on


I’ve been busy this week helping our program organize International Day, which consisted of student efforts at creating performances, food, and events associated with various foreign countries. This being Asia, the state of Hawaii and “Cowboy” were somehow considered countries of their own. Also, I witnessed the requisite “oogabooga” dance performance done by male students in blackface, carrying spears and wearing reed skirts (representing South Africa no less). It wasn’t all bad, though. Good fun was had by all. My mind, however, is stuck on only one thing – I’m going to pick up my car on Saturday! I can’t tell you how happy this makes me. Or maybe I can, and hence this post… Let me shut up for a while until I can take some photos of the new ride to brag about.

Tenrikyo Rap

This is the ultimate realization of one of Cosmic Buddha’s long-standing jokes: 785 Movie
I would be really surprised if they got permission to do this… There was a band that played a punk version of some Tenrikyo songs and got kicked out of Tenri high school about 15 years ago.
I think T, who sent me the link, stated it best: This video really really kills you and cut in pieces and makes you feel the solar system is just a joke and the whole universe is a big shit house. Amen.

flogging the bishop

I like living in the third world, for the most part. Thailand is a great country and I like the fact that there’s a lot further to go up than down. Today, however, I experienced a downside to the lack of development when I went to the hospital for a sperm count.
Actually, we didn’t really go there to get my sperm tested, but I was kind of talked into it, if you know what I mean. It was all quite embarrassing, truth be told – the nurses kept giggling and saying the word “SPERM TEST” really loudly, in a waiting room full of people (yes, the word “sperm” has been carried over to Thai from English). Then I went to go see the doctor, who filled me in regarding the procedure… I think most guys can relate to what I was most concerned with, and basically the only thing I wanted to know was if they had any, um, how to say this… material. You know, like, inspirational material.
All of my worst fears were realized when the kind doctor answered “no,” then proceeded to tell me that I had to “do my business” in a restroom, since they had no, um, meat handling facilities. At that point I was ready to chicken out, but my wife and the nurses were quite adamant about me going through with it. “Hell,” I thought, “used to do it all the time when I was like, thirteen.” Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad…
The nurse handed me a plastic cup with a yellow, threaded cap and commanded in a loud voice, “PUT ALL YOUR SEMEN!” Then she pointed me toward the rear of the building.
This, my friends, is how I came to find myself in the public restroom at a hospital in Thailand, surrounded by geckos in a dirty toilet stall that stank like shit and death, trying to convince a very unhappy monkey that it really wanted to be spanked… With no materials! Think about that for a second…
I feel like I really took one for the team today.
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VERDICT: My sperm is so strong, it could make Chuck Norris ovulate…
I sang a Happy Sperm song all the way home! It sounded something like this:

My sperm is so strong,
It could kick your ass
It can swim in the ocean
and slither through grass
My sperm is so motile,
no one can say shit
You might get knocked up
by just looking at it!

My sperm challenges you to a game of wits! Bring it, biiiiiotches!

Best comment spam EVAR

Some maniac is, again, manually inserting comment spam in my recent posts. The thing is, I kinda dig his/her writing:

“It was pretty obvious you were suffering from lack of some desperate sex right here right now, and it didn’t cross my mind at first to just cut you downright. I became drugged with your silly nothings, was incredibly curious as to where you were going with all that crap. So I pissed you off a little, but went on roll and got everyone down on the slippery slope. I know who the bastards are now and no, thank you, never again. The tactile feeling is not that of a ballpoint pen, excuse me. One really feels like they are dying and watching their blood spill on a street littered by shit and scraps of trashy musings, it is actually very, very painful. You wouldn’t be able to tell by just watching from afar, as one in my position was watching their own execution, hurting, but not being able to speak, terrorized by the oppressors and the “police” above. You have no idea what the feeling is really like, and I can bet my life on it you never will. So, your stinging bits were felt alright, here and there, but you no what, I couldn’t stop myself. Because besides being utterly drugged, scared and confused, I became enraged, and taht’s what kept me going back for a few more scraps. But then I got a glimpse of what might have been a lapse on your part, but knew, just knew deep in my heart that you were up to something else. So I waited, and here you are. Questions?”

The best part? (S)he leaves no URL!

Win32/Parasitic-gen

My antivirus prog is convinced that a file on my drive is infected with something called Win32/Parasitic-gen. The problem is, Google is giving me no love:

I have therefore created this post in honor of the threat no one has heard of yet.
UPDATE: If you are infected with the Win32/Parasitic-gen virus, there is only one way to get rid of it:

  1. Sacrifice a virgin chicken by the light of a full moon
  2. Lick a pustulent toad’s ass
  3. Send me $500 (paypal OK)

my new car

The overnight bus departs from Sarakham at 9:15 and arrives at Bangkok sometime after three in the morning. We took the “VIP” bus which costs another forty or fifty baht, yet is great value for the money since you get a hot meal, a bottle of water, and comfortable seating.
We stayed at Nam’s aunt’s house in Lad Prao and set out the next morning in search of a used car. Surprisingly, this was fun. I shocked a couple of dealers by showing them evidence of past accidents on their cars, so I guess the average Thai buyer is about as knowledgeable as the average American buyer. There was a lot less smooth talk than I expected, though. Of all the dealers we talked to, only one followed up with a phone call the next day. Altogether, there was little pressure to immediately commit to anything, which made for a nice experience. What made it even nicer was the car I decided on:

Love at first sight
That’s a Nissan Cefiro with a 3-liter V6 engine (which is important, since almost all of those imported into Thailand only have a 2-liter engine. Too wimpy.). As of writing this, there are only two others for sale in the whole country that I can find, and only one in black (I don’t care that it shows dirt and I don’t care that it absorbs heat, I like black cars). It’s slightly modified with aero kit and alloy seventeens, and it looks absolutely stunning in person. The sound system is crap, which is just how I wanted it since I like doing that part myself. I can’t believe I have to wait another two weeks to drive it!
Now all I need to do is bring it out here to the rice fields and build a car port for it.

Off to BKK

We’re leaving for an (early) weekend trip to Bangkok, on a mission: To find me some wheels!
Wish us luck.
UPDATE (FEB 5):
Mission Accomplished! We are in the finance approval/transfer process and if all goes well, we’ll be picking up the new ride in a couple weeks – it is so sweet!

On Elephants in Thailand

Those of you that attended our wedding last year, keep those memories safe because Thailand has done what they’ve promised to do for years and are now actively enforcing the “no pachyderms on the street” law.
Well, this is what many people think of the new law:

I just saw the Thai equivalent of COPS where the bad guy – I shit you not – was trying to get away on an elephant. The ele wasn’t so big and I’m sure if this had happened in any other country it would have ended in a barrage of 12 gauge slugs… but there were tons of cameras following the “getaway,” and Thais love elephants so much that they basically let it run wild down the wrong side of a busy Bangkok street at night. It made for good television. In the end, they kind of directed it to a narrower street and into an empty lot, where they presumably gave the handler (AKA the bad guy) a ticket for riding an elephant on the street.
Hey, I’m all for letting the animals live in their natural environment and not exploiting them and all, but you actually have to think about this a little harder than, “Let’s return these 3,000 pound critters to their natural environment so they can be happy and natural!” – THERE AIN”T NO FUCKIN’ FOREST LEFT FOR ALL THE ELEPHANTS, PEOPLE! Besides, being hand fed sugar cane on the dirty city streets of SE Asia beats the hell out of being hunted with AKs and RPGs in an African nature preserve, yo…
…I’m just saying.