Author: Justin

The path I have chosen is the very model of assimilation into broader culture.
– My blood is nearly 100% Japanese (whatever the hell that means), although I may have some Russian blood in me as well (that would explain my fondness for vodka and the occasional rogue orange whisker that sprouts from my chin).
– My children will be of (nearly) 50% Japanese ancestry.
– My grandchildren will be mostly machine, but partially designed in Japan.
UPDATE: In a parallel history, my Japanese bloodlines have already disappeared due to a nefarious government plot.
Fuckers!

In Japan:
– Do you wear shoes inside your home in America?
> (…my mom would have a cow.)
– Would you like to try a slice of Salmon Cream Pizza?
> (…get that nasty shit away from me. squid, seaweed, and most other stuff from the sea have no fucking business on a pizza. fucking heathens.)
– Do you want to come to karaoke?
> (…i think i’ll have to miss out on this round of Drunken Asshole Vanity)
– Do you want to play sex?
> (…no, i’m waiting till i get married. plus, i don’t know how to say “double bagger” in japanese.)
– How do you do?
> (…oops, of course i meant, “fine, thank you. and you?”)
In America:
– Why do people take their shoes off before entering a house in Japan?
> (…tatami doesn’t quite clean the dog shit off your shoes like carpet does.)
– Have you tried our New Caribbean MexiChili Teriyaki Sushi-eggroll Low-carb Wrap?
> (…Let me repeat: oh, fuck no.)
– Can you spare a dollar?
> (…you may think my response severe, but the last bum i actually had a conversation with punched me in the throat. he ruined it for all you assholes.)
– Can we search your car?
> (…oops mr. officer, that just slipped out, what i meant to say was, “sure!”)
– Do you want to come to karaoke?
> (…)
///
to be continued…