J. Lo's interview with C. ("Cosmic") Buddha, Esq.

In the following interview, Jennifer Lopez, star of The Wedding Planner (Sony Pictures, 2001), asks Cosmic Buddha about the specifics of his upcoming wedding in Thailand.
J.Lo: Nice to see you again, CB.
CB: Oh HELL YES. This is more like it. That gay inner planning guy was killing me.
J.Lo: Uh… O-K… Well, let’s get down to business, shall we? So far, I’ve only been told that you are holding the wedding in Thailand on February 18th of next year and planning a traditional Thai ceremony at your new house in the morning to be followed by a more traditional reception at a hotel in the evening.
CB: That’s right, Jennifer, basically we have asked our guests to arrive the night before the ceremony to simplify logistics and ensure nobody’s persistently late ass (cough-cough TARO!) fucks things up, you know?
J.Lo: Haha, that’s a good idea – there’s always a few stragglers, aren’t there? And it’s a good idea considering so many of your guests will be coming from overseas…
CB: Yeah, anyway, the deal with the morning ceremony is that, at about 6:00 AM, a group of Buddhist monks come to purify the house and bless our marriage and hopefully not leave tracks from festering feet wounds on our new carpet.
J.Lo: I see.
CB: Since it’s so early in the morning, we may give people the option of coming to this part – the important part starts a bit later, with a parade…
J.Lo: Ah yes, I’d heard something about elephants and monkeys, but I thought it was a joke-
CB: No joke, Jennifer – well, for the first part at least. The deal is, I’m supposed to lead a parade of our guests from a yet-undetermined starting point to the house, where the bride will be waiting. And so I thought, “wouldn’t it be cool if I led the parade on an elephant.”
J.Lo: Very cool!
CB: Then I thought, Nam (my bride) will never allow it. So I asked for more than I really needed, and added that I’d like a troupe of trained monkeys to accompany me on the elephant. To be perfectly honest, I love monkeys and plan one day to conquer the world with an army of them, but I really don’t need the little shit-flingers at my wedding, you know? So when I started getting resistance about the whole this-day-is-about-us-not-a-fucking-petting-zoo thing, I was just like, “yo hon, marriage is all about COMPROMISE, you know?” So I offered to drop the monkey idea in exchange for locking in the elephant plan. And you know what? She was so happy about the simian threat disappearing, she even agreed to let me get MORE elephants. So now I’m thinking three – Jumbo, Dumbo, and Baby Dumbo – all walking single file, snouts holding tails and all that.
J.Lo: SWEET!
CB: Wow, I’m glad you like it… Most of the guys I tell are totally stoked, but the girls either get all silent, or think I’m joking. GIRLS: I AM NOT JOKING. DUMBO IS COMING. WITH FRIENDS.
J.Lo: Well, it sounds like you have a plan, and that’s the most important thing. Oh wait, I’m also supposed to tell you to have fun, but it sounds like you have that one covered…
CB: Ooooh yeah.. Now when we get to the house, there’s a bunch of ceremonies we’re supposed to do that I’m not real clear about. There may be some purification-with-water ritual, or there may not. There may be some ritual where an old couple sleep in our wedding bed, and then we take their places, or there may not. There might even be a ritual where the bride is presented two Siamese cats called maew si sawat for good luck, but who knows? I, personally, am a dog guy-
J.Lo: ALL men are dogs.
CB: Heh. Ever seen a dog ride an elephant?
J.Lo: Heheh.
CB: Anyway, after all the ceremonies are complete, the monks go back to collecting alms from subsistence farmers or whatever, and we have lunch in our yard.
J.Lo: How many guests are we talking about?
CB: We only plan on having our overseas guests, extended family, and close friends over for the morning ceremonies, and we estimate that at somewhere around a hundred people.
J.Lo: Dayyam!
CB: Yeah, Thai weddings are huge. We plan on maybe a couple hundred guests for the evening reception, but apparently in Thailand, people you invite tend to invite other people without asking, so sometimes weddings are twice as big as you planned for…
J.Lo: No shit?
CB: No shit, flygirl. Maybe I’ll just keep some pigs and chickens in cages outside in case we run out of food…
J.Lo: So back to lunch, what are you serving?
CB: Well, considering the setup in the yard, we figure a buffet or food station type setup will be ideal.
J.Lo: I see you have the lingo down already.
CB: Yes, I am a big fan of Modern Bride. The food station idea is particularly attractive because I’d like to have a few special dishes made on the spot – whole roast piglet, pad thai fried noodles, maybe some roast fowl or fish, etc. I am taking the whole avian flu thing into consideration, and will refrain from using poultry if the situation gets worse than it is now. Can’t have a guest come all the way from the states – that’s nearly a 20-hour flight in some cases! – just to catch a contagious disease, now can we? As far as other food goes, I’m thinking fresh papaya salad, some stir fry and deep fried goodies, as well as a spread of various curries to round out the menu. You see, I really feel the need to get the most bang for my buck, and in Thailand this means taking full advantage of cheap, delicious food.
J.Lo: That sounds awesome. A nice change from the standard roast beef and potato salad fare that you usually see at a wedding, anyhow.
CB: Well, you are so invited.
J.Lo: Thank you!
////////
J.Lo: Now, CB, how do you plan to have your guests move between the hotel to the morning ceremony back to the hotel again? For that matter, how is everyone getting to the hotel in the first place?
CB: We have asked our overseas guests to arrive at Khon Kaen airport by the 17th. Thai Air has three flights a day from Bangkok airport to Khon Kaen, and that information plus booking can be had/done on the Thai Air website. If anybody is unsure about anything, they have instructions to contact us. We will arrange pickup at Khon Khan airport on the 17th, which will convey them to the hotel. The next day, we will arrange for transport between the hotel and our house, possibly using the hotel’s buses, or renting them from Mahasarakham University, where Nam will be teaching from next spring.
J.Lo: Moving on, what have you planned for the evening reception so far?
CB: Well, I was going to ask you some questions about that first. I’m not too familiar with receptions to tell you the truth – I mean, until now, I’ve mostly been there to drink and be merry, you know?
J.Lo: At least you’re honest. Let me tell you something. Your purpose here – your sole purpose – is to make your bride happy. In doing so, you will also be happy. So go ahead and ask me questions, but keep that in mind.
CB: Uh…OK. I wanted to ask you about receiving lines at the reception.
J.Lo: Ah yes, the great debate. Some people think that the tradition of a receiving line is a waste of time, but it depends on your timeline, I think. Give me some background.
CB: Well, we are thinking of another food station setup, maybe with a cocktail hour where everybody mingles to kick things off, you know? Kind of keep things lively and entertaining. I really hate boring weddings!
J.Lo: I know that of which you speak. I think keeping it loose is fine. As long as it’s classy.
CB: Yeah, well I’ll personally toss out anyone who dresses like a whore or Shaft…
J.Lo: That’s not really what I was referring to, but OK. I was referring more to the atmosphere… It’s hard to keep a balance between the stiff traditions and light-hearted fun, you know?
CB: Unless you’re Madonna, right? Then you can just let the fairy gimp pygmies and circus midgets have a drunken orgy in a church knowing it can’t possibly shock anyone anyways, right?
J.Lo: I hate that bitch.
CB: Anyway, the mingling is important. We have guests coming from Japan and the US, maybe a couple from France as well. Old friends, you know – a lot of people I’ve always wanted to introduce to each other, and this is as good an opportunity as any.
J.Lo: At your wedding? Are you out of your mind? Do you have any idea how busy you’re gonna be? Forget about making introductions and stuff like that – this is NOT the proper venue. The day before at the hotel, maybe the day after, but not on your wedding day. Jeez!
CB: Oh.
J.Lo: Well look, there’s nothing wrong with a cocktail hour and mingling, just let people do it without you if you have a reception line. With 200 to 300 guests, you will be greeting people for most of that hour, especially if there’s people you haven’t seen in a long time.
CB: I see. What if we did it Japanese style then?
J.Lo: What’s Japanese style?
CB: Instead of a reception line, there’s a departure line.
J.Lo: Hmm… That could work, I guess.
CB: I’ll have to think about that one.
J.Lo: OK. Next item: Music.
CB: In lieu of a band, we’re tring to line up a traditional Thai ensemble to come out from Nam’s university. I’m thinking they can play traditional Thai music as people enter, and there is a talented little girl who has offered to do a Thai Dance performance.
J.Lo: OK.
CB: I’ll augment that by hiring someone to play a music set that I preprogram into digital audio players and provide equipment for. In addition, we are arranging to have background presentations/slideshows of both our history and video/photos from the parade/ceremony earlier in the day.
J.Lo: Wow. You found someone to so this in Thailand?
CB: I believe so. Also, I haven’t made a decision about hiring pro photographers or not. It’s somewhat of a skill issue, I expect pros to be… extremely competent at what they do. You know? At this point, I just don’t think we can find good skill over there, but we’ll see. In the worst case, I should have a couple good cameras and willing photographers among my friends. Maybe someone for video, as well.
J.Lo: I see. Are you going to have a cake?
CB: Yes, I want a cake big enough for 300 people. If this isn’t possible, I’ll settle for Uncle Buck style pancakes!
J.Lo: Will there be dancing?
CB: Undecided. If we don’t take lessons beforehand, there will be no ballroom dancing. Also, I can tell you unequivocally that there will be no Cherry Popping Daddies kind of shit.
J.Lo: LOL
CB: I suppose it would be nice to have dancing, but I just don’t know if we can find a place to take lessons on time.
J.Lo: Just go for it!
CB: Nah, I’d look like a retarded chicken… I’ll have to discuss this with the bride a bit further.
J.Lo: Have you thought about decorations for the venue?
CB: Yes, both the house and the hotel decoration will be flower-centric. I plan on going kind of nuts with the flowers.
J.Lo: Can’t go wrong there. What about other rituals besides the reception line.
CB: Well, of course there will be speeches, and toasts, but I will insist on everyone keeping it concise.
J.Lo: That’s easier said than done.
CB: I’ll figure out a gong system or something. Oh also, regarding other rituals, my sister had basically forbidden us from doing a “dollar dance” or garter toss, as she thinks that shit is tacky. Luckily, I agree.
J.Lo: Really? What’s wrong with the garter toss?
CB: It’s kind of stupid. But mainly, it concentrates all the ugly, desperate chicks into a single area. That’s never a pretty sight.
J.Lo: Oh god, I think I just peed my pants.
CB: Cool.
J.Lo: Anyway, that’s about all the time we have for today. Let me know when you have more of the details ironed out.
CB: K. Peace out.

Wherein I am interviewed by my Inner Gay Wedding Planner

IGWP: So have you thought about your wedding reception?
Me: Yes, it distresses me deeply. I don’t have a clue about this stuff. Fag.
IGWP: Don’t be so mean! I deserve respect; I’m a professional!
Me: Shut up, biiiiotch. Just remember: If I’m paying you this much, I better not catch you playing grabass with the caterer or something.
IGWP: That’s it! I refuse to work with such ignorant scum!
Me: You can’t quit, you’re fired! Cocksmoker.

Endangered Species

The path I have chosen is the very model of assimilation into broader culture.
– My blood is nearly 100% Japanese (whatever the hell that means), although I may have some Russian blood in me as well (that would explain my fondness for vodka and the occasional rogue orange whisker that sprouts from my chin).
– My children will be of (nearly) 50% Japanese ancestry.
– My grandchildren will be mostly machine, but partially designed in Japan.
UPDATE: In a parallel history, my Japanese bloodlines have already disappeared due to a nefarious government plot.
Fuckers!

What's Your Flavor?

Here is a user-friendly tool to help decide which Linux distros are a good match for your needs: Linux Distribution Chooser
I’ve recently been carrying around a JP version of a Knoppix Live CD for use at net cafes and public terminals – very handy.
The distros that this test recommended for me include Debian, Ubuntu, and Gentoo, which I have been hearing a lot about but just have not had time to check out yet.

Do As I Say, Federal Emergency Management Edition

Oh my god.
It’s like something I’d consider funny, except that it’s too retarded:

If I can help people focus on preparedness, how to be better prepared in their homes and better prepared in their businesses – because that goes straight to the bottom line – then I hope I can help the country in some way

Because we all know that loss of businesses is the real tragedy, right?
Rescue teams are still searching house to house looking for 600+ missing businesses in the swampy waters, right?

Mirin Desu

1132866928mirindesu_001.jpg
Sign says, “This is mirin.” I guess because some people might mistake it for cooking oil, even though it says “mirin” on the bottle. What they really need is some signs that say, “this is nira,” and, “these are green onions” in the veggie section, cuz I always see people mixing those two up.