Author: Justin

Bust out the cane sword

For those of you coming to our wedding in Thailand, we will be hiring a couple of masseuses to stay at the hotel and treat all of our guests to muscle-kneading nirvana. Why masseuses as opposed to male masseurs?
Well, obviously, first this is because I’m a guy and I have a sausage-snatching-by-other-men phobia, but this is kind of beside the point, because the masseuses I intend to employ are old women. In fact, the one who we have already confirmed is an old, blind woman – so I know she rocks without even having met her. You see, I have had a variety of massages here and there over the years. They have been performed by males and females, young and old. The best massages I have ever had were all done by old women. Add to that fact the heightened physical awareness presumably caused by blindness, and you have the recipe for really being made an old woman’s bitch on the massage table – I can’t wait! How about you?
Coincidentally, I’m currently in the process of downloading all 25 of the original Zatoichi movies.
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Katsu Shintaro was the fucking man!

Finding a Wife, Old Testament Style

This is pretty funny: Top 15 Biblical Way to Acquire a Wife
My favorites:
– Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours.
(Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
– Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
– Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife.
David (I Samuel 18:27)
– Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.
Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
And I’m sure my pal T would agree:
– Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.
Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

Python Bursts After Trying to Eat Gator

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In this photo provided by the Everglades National Park, the carcass of a six-foot American alligator is shown protruding from the mid-section of a 13-foot Burmese python Monday, Sept. 26, 2005 in Everglades National Park, Fla., after the snake apparently swallowed the alligator resulting in the deaths of both animals.

Inherit the wind, oh fuzzy little animals…
LINK

Basic Man FAQ

FAQ: How many men does it take to open a beer?
Answer: None. It should be opened when she brings it.
FAQ: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Answer: Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
FAQ: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
Answer: It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
FAQ: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
Answer: When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…”
FAQ: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
Answer: You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
FAQ: Why do men fart more than women?
Answer: Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
FAQ: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
Answer: The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
FAQ: What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
Answer: A woman who won’t do what she’s told.
FAQ: I married a Miss Right.
Answer: I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
FAQ: Why do men die before their wives?
Answer: They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
(many thx to Osaka bill whose previous contribution, 25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP, was linked/used extensively, then was eventually translated into French and spread even further.)

The Art of Wedding Procurement, Thai Edition

So our wedding is set for February 18th, in Nam’s hometown of Mahasarakham, Thailand. We will perform a traditional Thai wedding ceremony in the morning, to be followed by the reception at a nearby hotel in the evening. We are trying to arrange as much as possible by ourselves, because neither Marty Sheen nor Jenny Lopez are available to be my wedding planner, although they say they might drop by for the reception, if schedules permit.
The morning procession consists of me and my entourage (cuz ahma gaaaaangsta) walking in a procession from one end of town to our new house. This is all I know from my limited research on the subject. In my mind, this means being led by monks all a-flutter and playing what I can only imagine as being traditional Thai wedding music, which is nice but kind of not spicy enough for my tastes.
So I proposed some improvements to Nam, including, but not limited to: A procession of elephants joined snout-to-tail with me riding the one in front and wearing a turban and gold armbands and a big Bollywood moustache (syn: mustache). The elephant behind me will be mounted with speaker towers from which will be blasting tunes of my choosing controlled from the crossfader on my pachyderm mixing table. The elephant behind that will be hauling the amplifiers and generators (ah, scratch that I need another beast behind that one to separate the electronics from the power source), and the elephants behind that will be hauling beer coolers. Of course, all the elephant handlers have to be midgets.
To which my beloved bride exclaimed, “I can’t believe we’re married, you freak!”
So I know I’m on the right track…