Sunday, December 02, 2007


Because I can't sleep, I've decided to write and rant and write until I collapse from mental exhaustion. I haven't slept yet, because I wanted to talk, discuss and think about things I find extremely important. I put things before rest and food because it's that distracting and hence very very important to me.

Today, for the most part, was very good in a healing sense. I talked to Katrina, who I missed very much, and my cousin Merin who helped me cope with things that aren't new in my life. I went to my banquet, which was mediocre at best but fun because Anisha and Adam were there to make me laugh. I left the after party "early" so that I could avoid any drunk drama that may happen and went to see one of the most important individuals in my life.

One of the most important individuals of my life. I feel like I've had all sorts of these and those alike, and never am I the same priority. Why am I not worth the fight or extra energy? The thing is, I need to realize that I am worth it. I fight for these kinds of people all the time. It never ceases to amaze me how incredibly stupid, naive and repetative I am with my mistakes in life. I never, ever learn my lesson. I let it happen to me over and over again.

I am so messed up. And I don't have a good reason to be, I don't think. Am I going crazy? Am I already crazy? Am I realizing that I'm actually going to be crazy? I don't want this. I'm afraid of becoming my worst nightmares and that's becoming like one of those individuals I actually fear. And yet, he is being like him too. This will never work. I will never work. I'm so broken, oh so broken. I'm so tired of being the eldest and having to take care of others. I'm still a child, seriously. Mentally, I'm still a lost, scared, emotionally stunted child in the corner who just wants someone to say that it's ok to be scared and that they are still loved, supported and cared for. Unconditionally. Yes, unconditionally. I don't want this nightmare anymore. It's the sunrise and daylight outside, and yet I'm plunged in this horrible, cold darkness that never seems to completely lift. It's like it leaves a frost behind and returns for the final freeze. Slow torture, such slow torture.


Anonymous lalala said...

You sound like your cousins who all survived this sort of painful stuff in their lives. It gave me a lot of "mother pain" in which I could do little to help them with their social/internal/family relationship problems because it was their lives, and their turn to learn how to deal with stuff. You will get stronger and wiser because of it, Kris. I think that ranting is good for the vomiting up toxic stuff is good for you, even if it looks,feels and smells bad! It's much healthier than stuffing those rancid emotions deep inside, repressing your feelings and becoming a permanently pissed off person! Good Rant, baby!

Friday, December 07, 2007 10:06:00 PM  

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