Rant

Because I can't sleep, I've decided to write and rant and write until I collapse from mental exhaustion. I haven't slept yet, because I wanted to talk, discuss and think about things I find extremely important. I put things before rest and food because it's that distracting and hence very very important to me.

Today, for the most part, was very good in a healing sense. I talked to Katrina, who I missed very much, and my cousin Merin who helped me cope with things that aren't new in my life. I went to my banquet, which was mediocre at best but fun because Anisha and Adam were there to make me laugh. I left the after party "early" so that I could avoid any drunk drama that may happen and went to see one of the most important individuals in my life.

One of the most important individuals of my life. I feel like I've had all sorts of these and those alike, and never am I the same priority. Why am I not worth the fight or extra energy? The thing is, I need to realize that I am worth it. I fight for these kinds of people all the time. It never ceases to amaze me how incredibly stupid, naive and repetative I am with my mistakes in life. I never, ever learn my lesson. I let it happen to me over and over again.

I am so messed up. And I don't have a good reason to be, I don't think. Am I going crazy? Am I already crazy? Am I realizing that I'm actually going to be crazy? I don't want this. I'm afraid of becoming my worst nightmares and that's becoming like one of those individuals I actually fear. And yet, he is being like him too. This will never work. I will never work. I'm so broken, oh so broken. I'm so tired of being the eldest and having to take care of others. I'm still a child, seriously. Mentally, I'm still a lost, scared, emotionally stunted child in the corner who just wants someone to say that it's ok to be scared and that they are still loved, supported and cared for. Unconditionally. Yes, unconditionally. I don't want this nightmare anymore. It's the sunrise and daylight outside, and yet I'm plunged in this horrible, cold darkness that never seems to completely lift. It's like it leaves a frost behind and returns for the final freeze. Slow torture, such slow torture.