If I were asked how I would like to be awakened at six in the morning on the third day of a three day weekend, “by a Jehovah’s Witness” would be near the bottom of the list, believe me. Obviously though, God thought differently today. And it really sucks, because I was having a dream about flying, you know, the full on will-yourself-off-the-ground-and-begin-floating freedom only afforded one without the sting of disappointment when rudely awoken seemingly once every few years. So, fuck! the doorbell was rung relentlessly and I instantly vowed to kill the fucker who dared ruin my awesome flying experience.
I opened the door to a short obachan with hair dyed light purple (it’s a geriatric Asian thing), who started with a curt, “Oh, did I wake you? Sumimasen.”
I’m in my underwear wiping boogers out of my eyes, ya think?
She thrust the following in my hands and says, “We’re passing these out…”:
And with that, she walked away. Walked away! Bioooooootch! If you’re not even gonna try and convert people, why even ring doorbells! At six in the morning!
Note to future solicitors of less plausible/just plain crazy-ass religions: At least have the courtesy to stick around and say something so I can tell you to fuck off and slam the door in your face; then you can go home crying to the great floppy bunny rabbit (named after the guy who cuts people’s lawns) in the sky! Fucking fanatics! Six in the fuckin’ morning!