Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Ignorance IS Bliss

I've come to realize that I am one of either extremes: I'm very comfortable or uncomfortable; close vs. distant; warm vs. cold. And I think it's because I've formed this mutant form of self-protection. I don't know how else to explain it. I guess I could also explain it in a way that in order to not have expectations, I don't do anything that causes me to expect them in the first place. As in, I don't want to have to set a sort of standard of what to expect. I don't WANT to know if someone cares as much as I do. I don't WANT to know if I've drawn the shorter straw. I just don't want to know because I'd rather skip through life knowing that everyone is nice than realizing that people are faking their smiles.

But then I figured, you know, in order to really live life and care about other people, you should show it. I guess I forgot about the whole reciprocation of expectation and people once you do favors, though, because I've been feeling butt-hurt about things that never used to bother me. One I feel some awkwardness or change, I just start to run and I don't stop until I feel safe again.

I noticed through my writings that this seems to be a consistent theme to my life. Am I always going to try and hug people and then run away?


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