Cursed Honeymoon

I've always been concerned about friendships and relationships that make it past the initial phase of being acquaintances. Some people tend to think that I have a lot of friends on campus; don't get me wrong, I know people in the organizations I am involved with or used to be a part of, and I like those people as far as I know. But I don't have many close-close friends, maybe 4 great girl friends I could call up randomly (and truly, I am blessed to even have those).

Don't laugh, but I seriously believe I am cursed with close friendships. Almost every "best friend" I've had has ended in near ruin. And I don't really know why. It's generally the same pattern: things are fun and great for the first year or so; It's the Honeymoon Period. Everything is so fun and full of laughter, inside jokes and good times.

And then things take a turn; things get weird or people change...of course people change, but I didn't know they would treat me the way they did. I guess my expectations didn't match the reality of the situation. And maybe that's not fair for me to have those expectations, but I hold myself to those same expectations, like, to try and not judge each other in our actions or a lapse in judgment.

And really, it's not the fact that the friendship dies that is so painful. It's the long process that for some reason, is stretched out over an extended and torturous amount of time. It's very hard for me to let go of close friends, it's like a break up. And I don't do breakups very well, admittingly.

I really feel like I sacrificed a lot for my friends; pretty much do anything for them. And yet, something happens to where...basically, I'm not good enough anymore. Is it me? Is it them? I guess I'll never know. It'll always be a he-said-she-said deal in the end.

Maybe, in the end, we're all just too fickle; maybe I've just been meeting commitment-phobes.

/emokid