My Puppy Is Cuter Than Mika’s

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Posted in Creatures

Heh heh… Fire!

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Posted in Fire And Water

Rules Of Engagement

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Tiny exploring hands. This is my concise description of what a Hoikuen (nursery school) is. I no longer keep anything on me when I visit because my kids are all pickpockets of varying skills. The mob technique is employed every time I go, with two kids clamping onto each leg, while two apiece grab onto my arms, and everyone else huddles around me. Sometimes the more motivated ones bring chairs or anything else they can step on (i.e. each other) to jump onto my back. Its a collective effort to make me plummet to the Earth, much like the exploits of groups of primitive Neanderthals working as a team to bring down a mighty mammoth! There is no holds barred in this dystopic island of the beasts.
I have developed a set of rules to follow to increase the chance of survival:
1. Cover your crotch and anal region at ALL times. The boys especially used to love socking me full force in the nuts at unexpected times. I put a stop to this immediately by applying my Vulcan Death Grip, so now it has almost ceased to be a problem. However, the kancho (shoving fingers up your butt) remains a problem. They ALWAYS try this at some point during the day, even if I make them sorry they did it. What is it about these kids? Don’t their parents teach them that you shouldn’t touch certain things??? I have even seen adults engage in this behavior (one older man tried to kancho a hostess who was serving us drinks)!
2. Don’t fall to the ground. Two words sum it up: Dog pile. With 30 plus kids at a time, death by suffocation is not so far fetched a possibility (is this proper English???).
3. Don’t duck down to check on the status of a crying child. This seems heartless, but unless you think something is really wrong, chances is that this is just a clever, irresistable ruse. Survey the situation standing completely erect. If you don’t understand this, refer to #2.
4. If you push the kids on the swings, demand reciprocation. This gives you a chance to rest, and its fun to see them try so hard and get absolutely nowhere (hahaha!!!). Really, though, find a good place to avoid detection and rest when you need it.
5. Wear stuff that you wouldn’t mind wearing if you were to go wrassle yerself some hogs. Stuff gets stretched out, torn, and really really dirty. Boogers, dirt, food, and many other disgusting forms of contamination will bombard you from the time you arrive until you make it to your car.
6. Bring stuff to bribe them with. When reason fails, use their greed to get them to do what you want! Dealing with a pack of hoikuen kids is probably the same as dealing with the Mongol hordes. Show no fear, and promise them rewards if they cooperate.
7. Think carefully before you do something for anyone. If you do it for one of them, you probably will have to do it for all of them.
8. Think carefully before you talk. They are brilliant at parroting when they want to, so only proper English should be spoken. If rule #1 is forgotten, this can be quite challenging.

Posted in Education

9/11

I remember.
Almost exactly two years ago my family had a REALLY BAD DAY. My Mom busted into my room early in the morning hysterically screaming about terrorists blowing up the World Trade Center. Immediately we all got up and started watching the reports roll in, showing unbelievably horrifying footage. The same thing must have been happening all over America. How could things be worse…
From a few months before my Dad had been complaining about severe stomach cramps, and he believed it to be caused by stress. Everything he tried seemed to have little effect on easing the pains, which worsened with the passing of time. Refusing to go see a doctor, his last efforts were directed toward seeking out Chinese herbalists that might be able to treat his excruciating pain (if you know my Dad, you know he would rather recieve a swift kick in the nuts, rather than admit to feeling something as trivial as pain!).
I could tell things were wrong because the night before, he walked in the door with his pants down and unbuttoned, leaning on the bannister, saying “Hi Ad”, all the while fighting to keep up the appearance of control and strength. Although he was in great pain, he didn’t lash out in anger to vent it. He maintained control of himself to the very very last second (sort of like how he likes to wait past closing time to make his way to the register, only after the Costco employees start getting pissed off about it).
Flash back to the morning of 9/11, at about 9:00 in the morning. From the television, we are summoned upstairs by Mom calling “Adam, Merin, get up here!”. My Dad uttered words that chilled me to the soul, the words I never expected to ever hear him say: “Take me to the hospital!”. As he said this my father looked like a dying man. His face was jaundiced, eyes bulged out and bloodshot, jaws clamped down fulll force, sweat pouring out of him. He refused to let us summon an ambulance stating “Its going to take too long to get here!”.
So we got him into the QX-4 and I hauled full throttle to Fountain Valley Hospital. The whole time he was screaming “Oh F**k, I want you to SHOOT ME!” and other really frightening things of the same vein. We took him to the emergency entrance, and he tried to quickly and accurately explain his condition to the medical personnel.
M.P.: I’m going tell me where the pain is, Mr?
Dad: DR. Yoshida. The pain is in the LOWER LEFT QUADRANT! I think I need about 20 c.c.s of…..
M.P.: Take it easy sir! Folks(to us), we’re going to need you to fill out the proper paperwork and wait over there (the small waiting room).
Luckily, my father lived. It turns out that his gallbladder had exploded and turned gangrenous (I’m guessing that this would be due to gas gangrene, the worst of all types of gangrene I think) almost killing him. In other words, it was ROTTEN! I can’t imagine what that would be like: In degrees of pain, it must have been past excruciating.
9/11 was a bad, bad day. But I, unlike almost all other Americans, was slightly relieved at the end of the day. My father was finally getting proper medical treatment, and was in stable condition. I slept that night, and it wasn’t until the coming of the following days that the magnitude of the attacks finally kicked me in the head.

Posted in Uncategorized

What Does This Mean???

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Posted in Strange Words

Little Girl Experiences Umeboshi For The First Time

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Posted in Uncategorized

Engrish Lessons!

Lessons are proceeding better than I had expected. I have tweaked my lessons to up the game time, to introduce a more broad range of cultural content, and reinforce past lessons. This is the culmination of years of observation, cognition, and experimentation: As Hannibal says “I love it when a plan comes together!”.
Last night during a private eikaiwa (english conversation class) I learned that Kikuko (the secretary at Yamaga Shogakko) was able to use some English that I taught her four months before. Some of the lessons I have been making deal with trouble shooting in other countries, including: how to protect yourself from scams, what to say in difficult situations, how to find the best places (to eat, shop, party, etc…Smilie: ;), how to get around and ask directions, how to give vague answers to dangerous questions, how to get the best prices on stuff, and the use of slang and idioms to name a few.
Kikuko went to Vietnam two weeks ago, and had a chance to use what I taught her. The maid tried to make her sign a charge sheet stating that she would pay for a TV set that was broken when she was away from her hotel room. Kikuko read the statement, and realized that the maid was trying to pull a fast one, so she busted out with: “I want to talk to your manager!”.
The maid’s bluff called, she quickly said “I’m sorry, there’s no problem, let me talk to my manager and I will take care of this” and she was not charged or bothered about it again! I can tell you this much- MY eikaiwa students will not be taken advantage of like your run of the mill Nihonjin! Try and take advantage of them will earn you a “Crazy Fool(in the words of the all mighty B.A. Baracus)! What are you trying to pull? Do you think I’m stupid?!? Whats your name? I want to talk to your boss!”.
Ah, thats what teaching is all about!

Posted in Education

Over Hill, Over Dale

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Yesterday was confused. First it was really hot without any blue sky. Then the clouds blitzed in and it poured heavily. Then the sun came out and it still poured heavily. Sporadic battalions of clouds made up of light and dark divisions scrambled across the blue expanse, all the while allowing the sunlight to filter through like the nausea-inducing replica paintings of Thomas Kinkade. I could’ve kicked myself in the nuts for not bringing my new digicam, so I had to capture this frame with my Docomo D251i instead.
This pic was taken at El Patio Ranch on the way to Ichinomiya. The five posts silhouetted in the foreground act as masts to the ragged American flags that fly during rain or snow. This probably would be a dramatically patriotic picture had I remembered to bring along the QV-R4! Lesson learned.

Posted in Uncategorized

Scalpel…Sponge…Spork

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My chugakko kids wear these scrubs every day while serving lunch. C’mon guys, its just food! I think that hairnets and gloves suffice for everyday food service. I guess that if I had to wear surgical scrubs while putting lunch trays on my friends desks every day, I might just become obsessive about sanitizing everything to the point of being paranoid in many unnecessary situations. No wonder my co-workers were so freaked out about SARS and would not yield to reason: they were conditioned since they were born to over-react in normal everyday situations. I must admit that it was fun coughing and sneezing when everyone asked “do you feel alright?” after I came back from Thai! Its good to give people a good scare once and a while- brushes the dust off of the ol’ fight or flight reaction.

Posted in Uncategorized

Summertime and the livin’s EZ

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The one on the left is Ken, and on the right we have Natsuki.
Ken is blasting the camera with an Ultraman energy beam, and Natsuki is ready to put the smack down on anyone who wants beef. Natchan already has a small beer belly, placing him way ahead of his peers.

Posted in Uncategorized