How it really happened

Damn you Obi-wan, I can see your blue glow from behind that tree- come out from there!
“You must go to Dagobah to find the great Jedi master, Yoda.” you said. All that’s here on this cursed mud hole is a geriatric muppet who taunts me, making me carry him around on my back. Stop laughing, you dick.
You better have an idea on how to get my X-wing out of that bog, and I better not hear any of that “try using the force” crap! I should have never left Tatooine with you crackheads!