A train of minivans, hailing from Fukuoka-ken, visits Ikeyama Suigen in Ubuyama-mura.
Who was it that decided to form minivan club, and who are the people who chose to join? Of all the clubs you could choose to be in, why would you want to be in “minivan-club”. I have seen some pretty cool car clubs around Japan that these guys could have chosen instead or, at least, saved their money and aspired to join in the future.
Driving down the South side of Mt. Aso, I passed a group of 17 red Ferraris and Lambourghinis. In the parking lot of an onsen in Kyokushi, I lusted after the decked out Lancers and Imprezas. At a stop in Shimonoseki along the expressway(after a great weekend of snowboarding) I was truly impressed by the various hot rods that their owners obviously paid a lot of money to acquire and maintain. And these are just a few examples of great colletives of car people.
Minivan club, I mean come on guys! Yes, your Mazda MPV is in cherry condition, and yes, it has nice rims, but its still a friggin’ minivan! Was your mom happy that you sunk all of that money on kitting it out, or did she suggest that you save it up so that you could move out of the basement? I think if I was in minivan club, I would put a wooden panel on the side, you know- like the ones that were common on Chrysler minivans in the 90’s and on station wagons in the 70’s and 80’s.
Well, at least these guys didn’t totally rice out their rides. They could have put ridiculously large sweeping fenders on that look like they belong on a Boeing(Got rice, bitch? BTW, why are there not more pictures up on the net of these hilarious vehicles?). Look, the ONLY van that will EVER pull off a spoiler is a certain red and black GMC driven by Mr. B.A. Baracus.

Take a careful look at this picture. I snapped this one in Okinawa but there are countless others just like it, all over Japan. Focus on it like a rorschach inkblot for a couple of secs. Now, what do you see?
What I see is a member of the Post WWII Occupational Forces, under the authority of Gen. MacArthur, holding the hand of a little Japanese girl. Notice that he’s still wearing a helmet AND a flak jacket, yet he doesn’t seem to be carrying a Thompson or an M-1 Garand… why don such protective gear without any form of weapons(On second though, I do the same thing before I go to shogakko and hoikuen sometimes.). Also, his left arm appears to be freakishly long and wavy, as if made of Silly Putty. Did the little girl pull on his sleeve too hard and stretch it out (this too, I can relate to).
Jumping off on a tangent, I have a theory on why Americans must take a driving test in Japan while Canadians and others that are part of the Commonwealth or the U.K. itself do not in order to obtain a liscense. These signs remind Japanese people every day that they were finally conquered by America, and that they can no longer bellow out anti-foreign rhetoric such as “Expel the foreigners, revere the emperor!” without causing shame and embarrasment to spread to anyone (Japanese) within earshot of them. Although Japan has friendly relations with the U.S., they still are able to get a small amount of retribution by inconveniencing gaijin from the U.S.. Yes, we Americans must submit to the Japanese driving test because they must look at this sign every day. A modern day example of Hamurabbi’s code. At least, thats my theory.

Is how it would sound if you said “The Presidental Election” with a katakana accent. This post, however, is not gonna be about Engrish(at least, not very much), but will explore possible avenues for bringing your little General to attention.
Japanese have many foods you can eat and drinks that you can imbibe that are supposed to put more “boing” in the ol’ wiggle stick. One famous Japanese spirit is known as mamushi-zake. Mamushi-zake is made by putting a Mamushi (a venomous snake of the pit viper family- you can tell it is bad news just by looking at the signature triangular head. Of course, YT tried to catch one that he saw in front of his house last summer, and that wasn’t even the first attempt. gotta stop watching Steve Irwin and Jeff Corwin programs…) into a bottle and filling it with a liquer. I have heard that most people use shochu, or awamori in the case of Okinawa, because it is a higher proof than sake. Personally, I am yet to partake of mamushi-zake, but have heard its taste described as “spicy” and “strange”. The buzz from this stuff is supposed to be different from regular alcohol, but I think this is probably just the results of a placebo. Sakata-sensei’s(my previous co-teacher at Ubu JHS) father used to go hunting at Yamabuki suigen for this purpose. Supposedly, the best way to make the liquer is to drown the snake in the alcohol, as it is supposed to increase the potency, and keeps the snake in good condition (what a horrible way to die!).
Okinawa (and other places in Asia) also has their version of Mamushi known as Habu, which are basically the same snake, only bigger. I don’t know this for sure, but I am guessing that Okinawans claim that Habu-shu will give you a bigger boner than Mamushi-zake, because the Habu itself is bigger and more powerful- at least, thats what I would say if I was a Habu-shu vendor.

Okinawan Habu-shu
Another great “invigorating drink” is known as Toughman, made by Yakult. If you take a look at the third set of pictures down and to the right, you will see a bottle with a golden label. Look closely and you will clearly be able to make out the “frank and beans!”. When Justin first sent me this bottle, I couldn’t believe it. Advertising doesn’t get any more explicit than this. He also sent me some Kit-Kat style chocolate cookies called “Woody”, but these were not a product designed to produce a boner. Unfortunately, this product is no longer sold and I can find no pictures of it on the net. You’ll just have to take my word for it.
How to Get the Most Bang for Your Buck: A Guide To Making Your Very Own Habu-shu and Mamushi-zake

Doesn’t it look like this habu has 3 fangs?
Sure, you can buy Habu-shu and Mamushi-zake from a retailer in an ornate bottle and have it wrapped up all nice and pretty, but this is expensive and does nothing to prove your manliness (might as well use pink wrapping paper with sparkly pink ribbon and a fluffy bow if you buy it at a store. while you’re at it, remember to pick up a six pack of Zima). In order to get the most out of these two liquers, you need to do a little more than just shell out a couple of bucks.
First, you need to find an impressive bottle or jar, preferably one that will magnify the size of your snake (the convex curve of a regular cylindrical bottle or jar will serve just fine. Rectangular vessels should not be used, as they will accurately portray the size of your snake, the equivalent of not holding a fish out in front of you to make it look bigger- try it next time, it works! Also, keep in mind that this is one case where it is not acceptable to use Tupperware or a Ziploc baggie). Regular, uncolored glass is best for this job for obvious reasons. Make sure you also bring a stick, with which to pin the snake down with. I tried using a broom with a short, bamboo handle but this proved not to work very well. You’ve seen the snake sticks that the pros use to capture snakes with on the Discovery Channel, right? Well, if you don’t have your own snake stick, surely you can find a cheap putter at a thrift store or take one from your local Minature Golf park (ahem…what I meant to say, was to BUY one…). This has a similar shape to the snake stick, and you can use it for a post-snake catching round of golf to celebrate your victory. You really should bring a friend along with a video camera to capture the whole adventure. If you are bitten, at least your family can see how you spent your last moments writhing in agony and foaming at the mouth. Last thing to bring along: get yourself some shochu, or preferably awamori (because it’s stronger). Aw hell, forget that stuff, get yourself some vodka, because vodka and shochu are pretty much the same stuff. No, scratch that, since we’re going for power, might as well get yourself some Everclear (I was told that Everclear has such a high percentage of alcohol, that if shaken or exposed to light, it will denature into a lesser proof. I think that Everclear is the same as Spiritus, which I can only describe as “pure evil”).
Ok, now you can move on to the next step: finding your mamushi/habu. These snakes generally live in riparian habitats, next to streams or water. I have heard that they also climb trees, but so far have seen them basking on roads or hidden among leaf litter/grass. They move very fast, so be careful! If you are bitten, get to a koban (police box) as some of them carry antivenom. Your best bet is to get to a hospital, though. My advice: don’t get bitten. You should really read this to find out what you should do in case you are bitten. Some people kill the mamushi (I will refer to both snakes as “mamushi” because I am getting tired of typing out “mamushi/habu”) before putting them in the bottle, but real men catch them live and pour in the liquor. They then watch with a perverse fascination as the mamushi reacts to the burning agony of drowning in alcohol, thrashing around like an enraged dragon! Slowly, the beast will succumb to its fate, and you can walk back proudly, holding the jar in front of you like King Arthur brandishing the Holy Grail.
You will need to let the brew age, so that the alcohol becomes infused with snakey goodness. Supposedly, the venom diffuses into the alcohol and this is what gives mamushi-zake its potency. You will need to let the stuff sit for a long time (maybe 6 months to a year) in a cool, dry area. But it is, at least, equally important to remember to put it in a place where everyone will see it. Personally, I would put mine on top of the toilet or next to the TV. After all, there’s no point in being brave if you can’t prove it to others.
Ah, you will know your snake-flavored booze is ready when it turns the color of Jack Daniels, or maybe a few shades lighter. Remember, this is potent stuff so only drink a few shots at most per session(you only really need one shot, but… ah you already know what I’m going to say…). Also, some people have an allergic reaction to mamushi-shu. If you start to develop rashes or start asphyxiating because your throat swells up, that is probably a sign that you have an allergy. It might be a good idea to use Toughman or another product instead to achieve the desired results.
To make your mamushi-zake last as long as possible, don’t chug down the whole bottle. Instead, you should drink about half of it and refill with the same type of alcohol that you originally used as a base. You can do this many times over and over again, but each time it will be a little less potent.
Finally, don’t throw out the snake after you exaust your supply. Like the worm in a bottle of tequila, it should be eaten by the person who takes the last shot. So that about covers everything. If this “how to” guide inspires you to make habu-shu or mamushi-zake, I would like to hear about it! Good luck.

Despite the smile, we all knew that Chris was absolutely livid. We could see it in his eyes.
To Chris,
The only one of us still living in Santa Barbara:
Good luck this weekend! I expect a full report on Monday, 500 words, 12pt. font, double spaced in New Times Roman. I will drink a beer or two for you as my form of tribute (Kampai!).
Ah, to quote Queen “Duna-duh! duh! duh! Another one bites the dust!” (the precedent being Brian- belated congrats BTW). So who’s next? Place your bets…