I saw this and I pictured James Bond looking at the Man with the Golden Gun as he says “Bond, I’m gonna bust a cap in yo’ ass, Cracka! Any last words?”, with the Golden Barrel pointed steadily in the middle of Bond’s head. Bond chews on some grape flavored Bubblicious, blows a huge bubble, pops it, and repeats. The Man, in an uncharacteristic display of emotion, shows his anger and disgust by hastily cocking the Golden Hammer. With a smile on his face, Bond spits the gum out into his thumb and forefinger, and sticks the purple wad into the glinting barrel. The man is so completely and utterly shocked that he merely stares while this is happening, with his jaw dropped in disbelief that the Golden Gun could be violated in such a casual and sacreligious manner.
As you can see, these words on a simple can of “gum” put a really bizarre picture into my head, and it its not even a Japanese product. Holt’s is a British company. Ah, those crazy Brits! To us Americans, “Lorry” is a girl’s name , a boot is something that a cowboy wears instead of a shoe, and “I’m dying to smoke a fag!” has an entirely different meaning. Also, for the record, a windshield is the window that shields the occupants of a vehicle from the wind. If it was a real windscreen (a screen, such as is used to keep insects from passing through an open window), it would allow the wind and rain and anything small enough to pass through the small holes to smack everyone in the face. While this screen would filter out most insects, the momentum of their impact would pulverize and scatter their dismembered body parts all over everyone.
So back to the picture at the top; what is this product from the U.K.?
The Answer.
Hint: it is not what James Bond uses to patch up the silencer on his Walther P.P.K. after he uses it to deflect a laser beam.
English Engrish
Sad News…
It seems that 3 of my relatives of whom I have never heard of before, a Mr. Douglas Yoshida and family (of my country), have passed away in a car accident far off in Nigeria. I was contacted by a “barrister” (that’s foreigner English for “lawyer”, for all of us proper English-speaking Americans) who is most likely a partner of a certain Mr. Ahmed Saleh. This is clearly the work of fate, as I have recently been working on a genealogy project with the rest of my family in order to find out more about my roots.
Dear Yoshida,
I am Barrister FUNMI FOLORUNSO,a solicitor at law.I am the personal attorney to Mr Douglas Yoshida,national of your country, who used to work with a National Petroleum company (NPC)in Nigeria.Here in after shall be referred to as my client.On the 21st of April 2000,my lient, his wife and their only daughter were involved in a car accident along sagbama express road.
All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost there lives. Since then I have made several enquiries to your embassy here to locate any of my clients extended relatives,this has also proved unsuccessful.After these several unsuccessful attempts,I decided to track his last name over the Internet,to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you.
I have contacted you to assist in repartrating the fund valued at US$13 million Left behind by my client before it gets Confisicated or declared unserviceable by the Security Finance Firm where this huge amount were deposited. The said Security Finance company has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confisicated within the next fourteen official working days.
For the fact that I have been unsuccesfull in locating the relatives for over 3 years now, I seek the consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased,since you have the same last name with my client, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for transfer.
I have all necessary information and legal documents needed to back you up for claim. All I require from you is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through.I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.
Please get in touch with me through this email: [excelchambers8@yahoo.com]or through my direct telephone number 234-1-474-1584 as for more tails.
Best regards,
BARRISTER FUNMI FOLORUNSO
EXCEL CHAMBERS AND PARTNERS
BARRISTER FUNMI FOLORUNSO
DIRECT TEL: 234-1-474-1584
Hmmmm… Thats a lot of money. I feel so special to have been picked by Mr. Folorunso over my parents and kin.
On a serious note, the way that “Mr. Folorunso” (the official looking website is a nice touch, but a strong reminder that the internet is a dubious source of information and. Research that cites internet sources should always be double-checked at the very least to verify its validity.
This Nigerian scam is pretty low. Although fictional, I feel an inexplicable sense of loss for Mr. D. Yoshida and family, even though they died almost 4 years ago and also because I have never heard of them until today. I wonder if the D. Yoshida he speaks of is from the U.S. or Japan…
A Month Of Fire
In Aso, the whole month of March is dedicated to celebrating fire in various ways. It is a traditional practice to light one’s field, full of the dried out stalks and chaff left over from last year’s harvest, on fire. This not only provides entertainment, but it also looks cool and serves to fertilize the earth.
Well, if you have never been to Aso, then you have never seen the tall, super-fast growing ocean of grass that ripples in the summer breeze. This grass, aside from bamboo, is the fastest growing grass that I know of. Once late Spring rolls around, the farmers will let their cows loose in the stuff, and they don’t have to worry about feeding them after that point. In the Fall, the tractors will come out and harvest great wheels of dried grass, much like hay is harvested in other rural areas for fodder. Despite all of this consumption, much grass is left untouched.
A typical hill in Ubuyama-mura, covered in lots of dry grass.
So now comes the fire part. In order to clear way for the new grass, massive areas of grassland are set ablaze every year. From a distance, you can see a great swath of bright orange flames consuming the dried grass, climbing up the mountain with surprising speed. Much ash has been falling from the smoky skies as of late.
A couple of weekends ago in Aso town, there was a famous fire festival where they burned huge kanji into the mountain at night time. I wasn’t there because I went to Kuju instead, and I am glad. People who went told me that the cold sapped all of the fun out of the experience. However, the best festival is coming up: the fire swinging festival is tomorrow. Last year, I saw what appeared to be a man being immolated by flames unintentionally, as a fireball that had burned through the straw rope tether shot towards him as if by the hands of Ryu. The burning mass of straw exploded on his mid-section and swirled around him, but he was unhurt. So of course this year I will once again brave this crazy spectacle and try and take some good pictures of people swinging fire around without any regard for anyone else’s safety. If you are ever in Kumamoto during mid-March, this festival is not to be missed at any cost!
White Day
Today, and every other March 14th, is White Day. On White Day, Japanese guys traditionally give cookies to women who they like, or who hooked them up with chocolate on Valentines Day. That’s right, over here Valentines Day is the day where the ladies make romantic plans and give presents and sweets to the guys.
Where did White Day come from? I have no idea whatsoever, but I do know that you can’t go into a convenience store without seeing a huge display with cookies, chocolates, and assorted gifts for this peculiar holiday. I kinda like the idea of mutually exclusive holidays based on gender, because it encourages reciprocation. Let’s face it, although girls do nice things for guys on V-day, the bulk of the expectations lie on the dude.
I was pleased to see that some momentum has been building behind setting up an American version of White Day. Its ironic that this time it is a Japanese idea that has been improved on by Americans instead of vice versa. The Japanese may build more reliable cars and electronics, but surely they would even approve of this.
Yet More News Of Spam
The largest Spam musubi in world history will be rolled in Hawaii later this April. Apparently, the Spam Jam restaraunt has successfully branched out into an official chain. It’s now only a matter of time before it arrives in the continental U.S., and it becomes another trendy “ethnic food”. Now is probably a good time to buy stock in Hormel.
All of this recent talk and news of spam has made me decide to pop open the one can that I have in reserve next week to make kimchee and mayonaisse spam musubi. Ah, good food puts me in the best moods. I think that most people really like food, but I’m beginning to suspect that I like food more than most people do…
Other favorite highly processed meat-based products:
Farmer John’s sausages (in both link and patty form)- It is mandatory to use the sausages to scrape up the yolk of a busted sunnyside up egg, picking up some of the fried egg whites on their way into your mouth. Tastes even better when you add the crunch of hot, buttered toast to the mouthful of goodness.
Bologna and bologna-like cold cuts except for head cheese or any other loaf in the “just plain nasty” category (like this for example)- fried with eggs and served on a steaming pile of rice (with gravy sounds awesome- yet to be attempted, but sure to be delicious).
Hot dogs– preferably grilled over a bonfire while listening to oldies and watching the sun set with family and friends in Huntington Beach. Necessary condiments include ketchup, mustard, sauerkraut, sweet relish, cheddar cheese, and scalding hot chili. And what the hell, a little sand adds to the sentimental flavor.
Costco hot dogs– this gets its own listing because Costco hotdogs (traditionally Hebrew National, but also some other kosher brand called something like Sinai hotdogs or Westbank wieners or something) come with a refillable cup- something that is really special to one who has been living in Japan for so long- and also because it was often the last course that we ate when we had college brunch of free samples on Saturday afternoons in college. Yes, one of the secrets of streching that all mighty buck when eating out was taking advantage of free condiments, particularly those which were unsupervised and offered inexhaustible supplies. Take note, young ones.
Braunschweiger– its not only delicious, but its also just plain fun to say! I think that the only way to eat this is on hot toast. This is one of the very few liver dishes that I enjoy eating. The only other liver that I like is horse liver- when served extremely fresh and cold, with some sesame oil and shoyu, it is one of the more surprisingly good types of sashimi that I have yet encountered.
BTW, you can look up all of the meat products that I have listed on this page, if you are interested in seeing what they are made of. I took a good, long look at how much fat and sodium all of them contain, and I can’t really say that it had any effect on my appetite whatsoever. I will continue to eat beef despite BSE (although not American as of late), and I will continue to eat poultry products despite the avian flu situation (cooking it makes it safe, or so I am hoping). Making bad choices despite being informed. You can have all the knowledge in the world, but it won’t make any difference unless you ACT upon it. Time for a big fat bologna sandwitch!
In The Bathroom Of Isla Vista
It doesn’t happen often but once in a great long while, I swear that I’m still living in good ol’ Isla Vista. Not necessarily one place in particular (D.P., Picasso, or Sabado Tarde) but rather, a composite of all of the places together. Other experiences have taken me back as well. Like when a really drunk acquaintance did a cannonball onto the hood of a car, scaring a woman nearly to death in front of a busy street(the Shimatori) that had, until that point, been buzzing the lively conversations of the nightlife. Or almost getting into a fight with an old man that looked like Bilbo Baggins with each arm around a prostitute (he-the old white guy- said they-the two high school-aged 100% Japanese girls- were his daughters… we begged to differ and vocalized this), after he made derogatory remarks about Yanks while pushing his way through a group of 5 inebriated Americans.
But I seem to have a strange connection with shady bathrooms (not restrooms, keep in mind, but rooms which happen to have baths in them). When I moved in to my current residence, there was much wrong with the plumbing and the tile was stained with strange growth (kinda like the Picasso apartment with the Shiitake mushroom growing out of the shower) and rich with the smells of death and decay. Also, the tile was cracked in many places (the result of an earthquake a few years prior). Well, I cleaned the place up, bleaching the evil away, but my bathroom has given me no end of troubles. The bath is large enough to fit two full-sized Sumo wrestlers, the hot water runs out on really cold nights (boiling water to take a “shower” really, really sucks!), and I need to use a heater to keep from catching pneumonia after I get out.
Last month I heard a great crash, and walked in only to see this:
I had to laugh. I knew that it probably happened because some trapped water that rested between the concrete and the tile froze and expanded, destroying the bond of the adhesive in the process. But that was no help at all, merely a boring footnote. It was one of THOSE moments. Its not that this was a big deal, as it was really easy to clean up, but it just brought back memories of bad luck (that in retrospect, was often the result of bad judgement). After shooting this picture, what else could I do but pop open a Sam Adams (a very rare beer in Kumamoto, or for that matter, everywhere in Kyushu except for the Costco in Fukuoka) lay down on the sofa, and watch reruns of the Simpsons which I had already seen at least 10 times before…
Wild Rice
Ah, taking pictures of ridiculous vehicles in Japan (or fashion, or English usage, or… well, you get the point…) is like shooting fish in a barrel with a 12 gauge, however, I like these animobiles. I kind of wish that they had huge wings protruding from their backs.
In Oita-ken, they have an African Safari amusement park, where you can sit behind caged panels in one of these busses watching bored lions sleeping, and various Pavlovian-trained African animals feeding from strategically placed troughs. You can also get your picture with a baby lion, which will surely contribute to the impossibility of it ever being considered to reintroduced into the wild due to desesitization. It may, however, have an opportunity to move in with Seigfreid and Roy.
Those who incite their wrath will tremble under the collective gaze of the Animobiles.
If there ever comes a time where I have to make a choice, I will choose the Rhinomobile to destroy all challengers in demolition derby.
Animal Mimics And An Ample Supply Of Venison
These animal-plants, sitting along the side of the Yamanami in Ubuyama, remind me of the work of Edward Scissorhands. They sit alone, with a small shack to the right, a pen full of mangy deer to the left, and the Aso mountain range in the distance. I have no idea if the person who maintains these sells them, or if they are just someone’s privately owned topiary garden.
I thought this (what do you call these things? I’ll just use the word…) sculpture was pretty skillfully trimmed. I want to come back here on a night when the full moon is out and take more pictures.
Though these deer are not the primest of specimens, at least they’re not as dirty or mean as the deer in Nara. They are most definetely not afraid of people because just like in Nara, people buy bags of sembei (rice crackers, that are sold for 100 yen) to feed them.
Dunno why, but visiting this crappy petting zoo made me want to eat venison. I think its because I know that the small pen that these deer are kept in has probably made their flesh nice and tender…
Jelly-Coated Meatloaf
Heh, a restaraunt that specializes in Spam based dishes opened in the Phillipines last year and is doing some kick-ass business. I wonder how my fellow Japanese living in Kumamoto would react to Spam musubi… I think that I will sneak some thinly sliced slabs of Spam in to my next enkai (drinking party) and change them out with the basashi. I am willing to bet that small browned slices of Spam will taste pretty good when coupled with onions that are cut paper-thin, a leaf of shiso, and some thick shoyu.
Why is spam so reviled in the continental U.S. and so celebrated by Asians? I wonder what Europeans make of spam- do Norwegians celebrate spam like their Viking forefathers did? In any case, the reason why I don’t eat spam on a regular basis isn’t because I don’t like it. I just think the price of spam is a bit too high, and I only like to eat a little spam at a time. One thing that really creeps me out about spam, though, is the jelly that helps the loaf to ooze out of the can- watching the loaf work its way out of the canal somehow brings to mind nature documentary footage of wild animals giving birth. After that, I cannot help but feeling a little bit like Kronos eating his young Titan children.
This Weekend’s Drive Pictures
“You live where? How many people live in your village? What do you do out there?”: These are the three questions that people always seem to ask when they first meet me. The answers are:
1. Ubuyama
2. Under 2000 people and falling
3. Many things, but I really enjoy driving.
Here are a few pics that I shot over the weekend while driving. The views around here are spectacular and the variety of driving conditions and roads are as varied as you can get.
This is a picture I shot on the Yamanami highway (also known as the 11) on my way down to Ichinomiya. This road has great views from the top of the caldera and snakes through the gentle rolling hills of Ubuyama, eventually taking you through Kokonoe, Kuju, Yufuin, and eventually Beppu.
A full moon rises among clouds scattered in the twilight. This was taken in Ichinomiya from the beginning of the Yamanami (it starts from the 57, near Aso shrine). I was late meeting a friend, otherwise I would have stopped to take some pictures of the beautiful night sky.
Ah, last night was one time where I was more than happy to drive well below the posted speed limit. I even turned the radar detector off for once. Why is it still snowing in March? I dunno, but it gave me a chance to use the chains that I bought at Autobacs (yes, Autobacs is a Japanese company). It was pitch-black when I started climbing the mountain road into Kuju and pulled off to the side, of the road. I had to work in a blizzard using the light on my cellphone to see what I was doing. I drove through the raging tempest on a road that was fully covered with snow, and didn’t see one car for 45 minutes straight. The snow was so deep that mine were the only tracks visible on the road. The winds whipped the snow into dancing mini-hurricaines, and swishing around in snake-like movements. The snow seemed to move like a composite of tumbling sands and rising steam, riding the strong currents on the ground.
There’s something really exhilarating about entrusting your safety to something which has time and time again pulled through for you whenever you needed it to. When all ends well, after you take that long relieved sigh, it was really worth it (but if all goes to hell, then your mood will probably turn sour and humiliation is likely to handed out in liberal portions). Last night, I strapped on my chains, and decided to meet up with everybody because had enough confidence in my car to see me through safely to the other side of the mountain. Driving was surreal. I can honestly say that I had a blast driving through those extreme conditions. On top of that, I had a blast playing drinking games inside a warm cabin on a cold and stormy night.
If it keeps on snowing, then I think I might take my snowboard up to Kuju pass next weekend! But I hope the weather gets warmer, because its hard to type when your fingers are stiff and numb.