Rules Of Engagement

Tiny exploring hands. This is my concise description of what a Hoikuen (nursery school) is. I no longer keep anything on me when I visit because my kids are all pickpockets of varying skills. The mob technique is employed every time I go, with two kids clamping onto each leg, while two apiece grab onto my arms, and everyone else huddles around me. Sometimes the more motivated ones bring chairs or anything else they can step on (i.e. each other) to jump onto my back. Its a collective effort to make me plummet to the Earth, much like the exploits of groups of primitive Neanderthals working as a team to bring down a mighty mammoth! There is no holds barred in this dystopic island of the beasts.
I have developed a set of rules to follow to increase the chance of survival:
1. Cover your crotch and anal region at ALL times. The boys especially used to love socking me full force in the nuts at unexpected times. I put a stop to this immediately by applying my Vulcan Death Grip, so now it has almost ceased to be a problem. However, the kancho (shoving fingers up your butt) remains a problem. They ALWAYS try this at some point during the day, even if I make them sorry they did it. What is it about these kids? Don’t their parents teach them that you shouldn’t touch certain things??? I have even seen adults engage in this behavior (one older man tried to kancho a hostess who was serving us drinks)!
2. Don’t fall to the ground. Two words sum it up: Dog pile. With 30 plus kids at a time, death by suffocation is not so far fetched a possibility (is this proper English???).
3. Don’t duck down to check on the status of a crying child. This seems heartless, but unless you think something is really wrong, chances is that this is just a clever, irresistable ruse. Survey the situation standing completely erect. If you don’t understand this, refer to #2.
4. If you push the kids on the swings, demand reciprocation. This gives you a chance to rest, and its fun to see them try so hard and get absolutely nowhere (hahaha!!!). Really, though, find a good place to avoid detection and rest when you need it.
5. Wear stuff that you wouldn’t mind wearing if you were to go wrassle yerself some hogs. Stuff gets stretched out, torn, and really really dirty. Boogers, dirt, food, and many other disgusting forms of contamination will bombard you from the time you arrive until you make it to your car.
6. Bring stuff to bribe them with. When reason fails, use their greed to get them to do what you want! Dealing with a pack of hoikuen kids is probably the same as dealing with the Mongol hordes. Show no fear, and promise them rewards if they cooperate.
7. Think carefully before you do something for anyone. If you do it for one of them, you probably will have to do it for all of them.
8. Think carefully before you talk. They are brilliant at parroting when they want to, so only proper English should be spoken. If rule #1 is forgotten, this can be quite challenging.