Apologize, fucker.

I caught a guy walking off with my umbrella during lunch break. I was like, hey yo what the fuck, that’s my umbrella. The guy knew I had him, but decided to weakly claim it was his umbrella. Yet he did not protest when I snatched it out of his hands and left him in the rain. Asshole.

Glazed Pilgrim with a side of Mawmenny, please

Check out this article on Slate today:
Historical Fiction
Quote:
“While a Medieval Times castle seats anywhere from 900 to 1,500 people a night, and the Excalibur’s Tournament of Kings about 2,000 (a thousand at each seating), no present-day medieval feast comes even close to approaching the enormity of some of the Middle Ages’ heavy-hitters. We don’t know exactly how many people attended the marriage feast of Henry III’s daughter in 1251, but we do know that they gorged on 1,300 deer; 7,000 hens; 170 boars; 60,000 herring; and 68,500 loaves of bread. Feasters at the enthronement party for England’s Archbishop of Neville in 1465 consumed 1,000 sheep; 2,000 pigs; 2,000 geese; 4,000 rabbits; and 12 porpoises and seals. No less than 11,000 eggs were eaten at a 1387 feast for Richard III.”
12 porpoises and 12 seals, or 12 combined? Greenpeace demands to know.

$5 a mile is the least of it

If you have ever had an accident with a cab in Japan, chances are you have been screwed. The reason? Cab companies often rely on mafia-controlled insurance vendors to do their negotiations. I won’t hear any bullshit about this, either – if you don’t believe me, try getting rear-ended by a taxi and see who ends up with the short end of the stick. I know a guy whose parked car was totalled by a speeding cab in Kyoto – he didn’t like how the insurance companies settled things (he ended up receiving around 100,000 yen [around a grand] toward the purchase of a new car) so he took the cab company to court. He ended up dropping the case after having his new car burned, dead animals stuffed in his mailbox, and being threatened on the phone and finally, in person, by scarfaced thugs in black suits. Of course, the police were a big help through all of this and he had to pay a princely sum for repair of the parking lot and the mailbox, etc. The kicker, though, is that the cab company apparently sent him a pretty book of coupons for free rides after he dropped the case.
Ouch.
Needless to say, said acquaintance left Japan long ago. I dropped an e-mail to him last week and apparently he’s having kinda-related problems in China now. Some people never learn (j/k dude!).
For all of you with experience in Japan, I’d like you to think about something:
How many times have you seen a cab pulled over by the cops in Japan?
In my decade of living here, I have never seen this once, and believe me, I’ve seen cabs do some pretty egregious shit. That tells me something. Yes, it does. All repeat after me: I bewieve it’s a conspiwacy!
And don’t give me that “cabbies need a special driver’s license to operate” crap, I’ve seen truckers with the same licenses pulled over (albeit this is fairly rare, too); I’ve even seen a daiko unten car (a driving service that takes you and your car home – handy when you’ve had some drinks and don’t want to pay the minimum $3,000 fine for DUI) get tagged for following the lead car and running a stop sign (daiko unten drivers also have a “special” license).
BTW, I am sympathetic to the cabbies themselves – they have a hard job and some of them do it with a special kind of passion that can change the outcome of an entire visit to other cities. I’m just sick of their criminal masters and the free passes they get from the cops. If there is any justice in the world, I will see a taxi getting a ticket from cops right in the middle of a red light district where the cops were turning hookers and mama-sans out into the street, sometime before I leave Japan.

Near Miss

To the old lady who decided to suddenly step out in front of traffic without looking first this morning: My parking brake saved your life, but I believe you may need to change those Depends.
This is not the first time my parking brake saved me from a collision, but I hope it’s the last; the narrow streets of Japan call for this maneuver and I truly believe it should be taught in driving school, although the brunt of the natives have a hard time even remembering which is the “go forward” pedal, so…

Ewotic

The subject of the spam I just got says:
More info on how to please your partner again, inside
For fuck’s sake, I’m still working – I almost bust a nut trying to keep quiet here! Have some fucking mercy already… Besides, my pleasuring skills have never lacked, inside. It’s the “help with cleaning” and “take me shopping” aspects that get me in trouble all the time…

Pearl Harbor Part 2

Apparently this IS a forbidden subject since I got a dozen e-mails and exactly 0 comments on the post itself. Latitudes and Nichi Nichi linked to the post (thanks guys!) and the comments there were similar to some of the mail I received, and very insightful – they made me realize that I didn’t explain my motive behind posting as well as I could have.
Also, I guess that I didn’t clearly distinguish between a reason behind the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor and a justification of it (and to reader Warrin’ G: I dig your handle, but am still unconviced of the government’s intentional role in delaying the receipt of the Japanese Declaration of War, hence “creating” a sneak attack). Let me make this clear: I care much less about the historical reason than I do the current day justification of it.
The Japanese wanted to cripple the Pacific Fleet because it was positioned to attack their interests (including oil supply)? Fine. I can agree with that without researching it much because it makes sense. But to use this argument in the way I heard it, as a justification, is a joke. Here is an approximation of the conversation I had yesterday:
Coworker: “The US is bad for starting wars all over the world.”
Me: “O-tay”
Coworker: “There are many bad men like Saddam Hussein in the world.”
Me: “Yup”
Coworker: “But the US chose to single out Iraq. Iraq cannot defend itself against the US military! Also, preemption is a dishonorable strategy.”
Me: “Who the fuck are you to be talking about honorable strategies? Remember Pearl Harbor?”
Coworker: “No that’s different, the USA forced us to attack by cutting off our oil!”
Me: “MmmHmmmm” (turns away and fires up MT)
It makes me sick to think that this guy actually thinks that there was no alternative to the ultimate “sneaky Jap” move (I use this abhorrent term to make a point – is this not where the term originated?), and like I said, I’ve heard this exact same sentiment from other people as well. I sincerely hope this is not what they are taught in school, and now I’ve garnered enough interest to dig a little deeper… I have a friend that used to run a cram school for junior high school students, so he should be a good starting point.
Then again, even if I find the words, “OUR PROUD NATION WAS A VICTIM OF THE WAR. THE END.” printed in the schoolbooks, what will I have proved? That the Japanese have again changed history and are generally unapologetic about WWII?
Real groundbreaker there, eh?

Pearl Harbor

I swear to God this came up in conversation again today and I realized I probably never wrote about it here, so:
I’m not sure what the hell kids are being taught in school today, but it seems to me that the average Japanese person in their 20’s or above is of the opinion that the Japanese were forced to attack the US during WWII. Specifically, that the attack on Pearl Harbor was (perhaps) a ratbastardshitty thing to do, but the Americans forced their hand by cutting off the flow of oil.
The first time I heard this was from a close friend at my university, and I remember my jaw literally dropping. And I remember thinking, if that’s what they think now, I can see why they needed nuclear persuasion back then.
Even though it’s not funny in absolute terms, I sometimes wish there was an equivalent weapon to use on the Japanese educational system. Because to hear from a friend that the cowardly sneak attack on Pearl Harbor is somehow, to this day, justified in the minds of the perpetrators (as in, our modern-day allies) is a big slap in the face.
Then again, a popular excuse for Japanese not being able to pronounce English very well is that their “tongues are too short,” so maybe I shouldn’t take anything too seriously.

Obligatory Japanese News Link of the Day

If you’re a Japanews Bloghound, you’ve doubtlessly seen this article linked to no less than five times today:
More Japanese men prefer sitting whizzes
I just want to know one thing: If you think so many Japanese men are sitting on Western-style toilets to take a leak, WHY DO I SEE SO MANY OF THEM PISSING ON THE STREET FOR JUST ABOUT EVERYONE TO SEE?
Then again, maybe I’m just seeing imaginary, urinating ojisans.

Hospitales

Ouch. This person obviously chose the wrong career – I’m thinking Corrections Officer would have been more appropriate.
My second year in Japan, I got in a fairly serious accident while riding to work on my motor scooter. A small car ran a stop sign right in front of me. I crashed into its side and flew over the hood into a drained rice field, gasping for breath as the wind had been knocked out of me. I passed out and woke up during the ambulance ride to Tenri Hospital.
All in all, I felt relatively uninjured. They looked me over in the ER, checked especially for head trauma, and everything seemed fine until the doctor brought out the helmet I had been wearing and said I needed additional tests in broken English (I still couldn’t speak very much Japanese at the time). Looking at the helmet, I agreed: It had probably saved my life. The doctor took the dented, deformed hunk of plastic out of the room, and told me to follow him. When I asked where we were going, he looked back at me, dead serious, and said a single word: “Lobotomy.”
To this day, I have no idea if that fucker was joking or not (maybe – just maybe – he meant something else?), but at the time the shit wasn’t very funny.