Why I hate Disneyland

Growing up in Orange County, California, my parents must have taken me to Disneyland at least two or three times a year. I loved the hell out of the submarine ride, the Jungle Cruise, the Pirates of the Caribbean. Hell, I even remember at time when Captain E.O. was some impressive shit, and Star Tours – wow, when that came out, it kind of sent a big “fuck you” to all the other rides as far as sophistication goes. Yeah, I remember loving the Magic Kingdom even after we moved away to Ventura County (Camarillo and Ojai). Somewhere around high school, however, the thrill wore off. Perhaps I had overdosed on the experience, or maybe I just grew out of it. Today, I am an official Disneyland Hater. In California, as well as the vast majority of Japan, this is equivalent to being a grouchy old hermit. People cannot understand why I hate Disneyland (and I really hate it; last time I went there I almost punched out an obnoxious fucker who accused us of cutting in line in front of his kid).
Well, this may seem like a trivial thing to wrote about, but it got me to thinking again today when I saw this article (link picked up from Boing Boing):
http://www.miceage.com/allutz/al072704a.htm
The pertinent point is the fact that the Jungle Book staff no longer pack cap guns with which to ward off the angry hippo. I went to D-land at the end of last year for the first time in ages, so I could take my girlfriend (who is Thai and had never gone) and hang out with my younger cousins for a day. After the Nighmare Before Christmas-themed Haunted House experience was tainted by the “line cutting” incident mentioned above, I couldn’t help but notice the Politically Correct buttfuckery achieved at the Pirates of the Caribbean – wenches chasing pirates instead of the original, perhaps more believable and historically accurate, pirates chasing wenches (for the express purpose of raping, BTW) – and this was kind of laughable, since a lot of Californians are prude PC fuckheads and this type of shit is expected. But. When I saw that the Jungle Cruise had also fallen victim to the PC mindset, I nearly blew a gasket. For Christ’s sake, the cap guns were the high point of the whole fucking ride! I’m not the only one to think so, am I?
What the fuck could possibly be accomplished by deleting the climax of the Jungle Cruise? Why was it done? Are the lawyers afraid that some kid would go on a rampage with a single action reveolver, slaughtering innocent hippopotami, and then sue the park, or what? This is absolute epitome of lawyer bullshit!
My message to the idiots in charge of the park is as follows:
REARM THE JUNGLE CRUISE STAFF, ASSHOLES!
YO-HO YO-HO UNPUSSIFY THE PIRATES FOR ME!
AND BRING BACK THE SUBMARINE RIDE, IDIOTS!
If you can accomplish these three things, I will hate Disneyland a little less. And by “I,” I mean, “most of us.”
Update: Check out the Disney Blog.

13 thoughts on “Why I hate Disneyland”

  1. I agree with everything you have said and feel the same way.
    They also need to change back the teacups and remove the speed limiters. Your head won’t even snap back because you spin so slowly.
    Also, everything is getting old and repairs are infrequent in the Magic Kingdom. When I went to relieve myself, I noticed that the veneer in the stall was warped, discolored from age, and peeling down. Ratty, unkept facilities ruin the magic, assholes!
    And why did they take out the People Mover. That was the one place you could go and chill out for 20 minutes. So a dumbass got decapitated (how the hell do you get your head cut off with something that moves that slowly?) by it. That just adds to the mystique of the ride (as the story of the little girl getting run over by a bobsled in the lowest tunnel of the Matterhorn does), and depopulates us of some inferior genetic material in the pool.
    Changing things in the Magic Kingdom to please overly sensitive wussies takes away from the magic, and really serves to help no one and nothing at all.

    1. i love u bro, u made laugh soooo hard.no shit, they took all the fun out of that overpriced shithole.now, i have to tell my daughter what is used to be like,and she goes wow, i wish i could have experianced the old disney. you see you stupid fucks.u ruined the place.forever!!!

      1. ass holes.and who ever complained bout the wench being being chased, that really fucks me up. fuck u to that bitch and her kids and disneyland for listenening to her complaint. you pussies!!

  2. Cosmic Buddha, you kick ass.
    My husband & I have recently purchased several of the Disney DVD sets (Tomorrowland, The War Years, & c). Everything is so much more generic & pussified now! And, the best part about the DVD of the recently-released Pirates of the Caribbean was UNDOUBTEDLY the footage of slutty red-haired wenches & scuzzy old pirates. It would have been one thing if in their revisionism they included pirates chasing pirate’s BOOTY and by BOOTY I mean OTHER PIRATE’S ASSES…
    Anyway, you would think that with all of the $$ the company has made on nostalgia, that they might realize the wisdom in preserving it.
    Your blog & moblog are kick-ass. I’m forwarding the link to your most recent posting to some friends of mine who just went to San Diego for the comic convention & were planning on visiting Disneyland.

  3. Tsk,tsk, didn’t you know that greedy pirates like michael eisner and his legion of nasty trolls have plundered the hell out of the unMagic Kingdom? No longer the clean, pristine, happily sexist, somewhat un-PC spot of sunshine in the OC, Disneyland is now a place where foreign and domestic perverts exchange children as sex slaves under the guise of “daddy and child” while hoards of tourists put up with crappy service, bad food and broken-down rides. Oh, and Roy Disney can just shut the hell up, since he chose to spend most of his privileged life in those silly little sailing races (he sucks) instead of paying attention to the sinking of Disneyland…until it’s way too late.

  4. Dude, I really think you need to turn thirty and
    get a different perspective of life. Then you can
    sit at work and watch slutty hippos chasing make-
    believe WMD creators wearing white space suits and
    blow them away with your cap gun.

  5. i agree with Bill.
    they were playing “smells like teen spirit” muzak in my elevator today. now there’s an issue for you.

  6. When Will They Learn?

    It seems that the engineers at Disneyland in Anaheim are trying to work out a way of restoring the speeding to the teacups in an effort to return the Magic Kingdom to its former glory (here’s the link)- This is…

  7. Well, they did open the “Nemo’s Adventure” submarine ride. I expected something better, but at least it’s a tribute to the movie.
    Movie would have been great if the Dad wasn’t so fucking annoying saying “Nemo” every three seconds. I challenge someone to count how many times they say it in the whole movie.
    I thought the original submarine ride was the shit!
    After seeing it online I realize it was pretty pathetic, but where else can a kid ride in a sub?
    “Dive, dive, dive…ding ding ding..”
    I really thought we were diving and almost peed my pants with excitement. After the bubbles cleared I could see ducks feet swimming past on the surface and realized it was a big fucking hoax.
    I was just googling disneyland caps guns and stumbled on this. I bought a few cap guns in frontierland. They had some mad shit for sale there. I wished I could have had one of those kick ass bolt action “safari” rifles with a scope but had to settle for a one shot pirate pistol.
    In those days you could walk around and shoot caps and scare the shit out of everyone.
    The character actors would even play along if they noticed you were packin. Same thing if you bought a big ass sword; the pirates would narrow their eyes at you as you passed.
    Now I hear Johnny Depp is around even damn corner of the POTC with movie clips playing on the waterfalls. How can they rape such a classic for some stupid movie that has nothing to do with the ride…
    Expect more debauchery in the future.
    Shit, I even heard it took a petition on the internet to save the Tiki-Room.
    Bring back the country bear Jamboree asswhips!

  8. We are annual passholders and last night was my husbands birthday so we headed over there to get his $72.00 gift card. They close at 8PM and we parked at 7:42. We litterally got to the ticket booth at 8:02 and the lady said, “Sorry, We’re closed”. Now, the reason we were 2 minutes late was due to heavy traffic and the stupid bag check before you get near the park. There were still 2 booths open and we told the girl it wasw his birthday and the foot traffic wasn’t our fault. Still no exceptions. Of course I tried to talk to someone who I thought could help and of course they gave me some bullshit number to call in the morning. That of course got me nowhere. I think it’s so ridiculous how an exception can’t be made for bieng 2 minutes late. I can say from here on in I will no longer be buying passes and partake in there stupid movies, toys etc. Fuck Disney all together.

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